Scott Lobdell, the much maligned writer of 98.76% of the New 52, has been handpicked by the Congressional Sub-Committee on Continuity of Governance to relaunch the federal government, should the need arise.
“It wasn’t a difficult decision,” stated Florida Republican, Senator, Marco Rubio, “The 1990s were a great time for America; high employment, no real wars, strong stock market, and a music scene that didn’t immediately make me want to vomit in my own ears.
“When we decided to relaunch the federal government, we needed someone with a track record of success in all things 90s; that man had to be Scott Lobdell.”
When asked why none of the Image founders were considered, Democratic Committee Chair, Elizabeth Warren (D - MA), had this to say:
While Image was founded on values we can all agree on, creators’ rights, this committee was dismayed at just how quickly some of the founders abandoned those principals. Todd McFarlane is a prime example of how far and how quickly Image fell from its lofty high horse.
Furthermore, most of our employees need feet in order to get to work.
Warren concluded her statement with: That joke would have killed at Comic-Con.
Lobdell, whose 1990s work sold more in one month than most current comics do in one year, is seen by many fanboys as all that is wrong with the industry, citing the comic book crash of the late 1990s as proof of his ineptitude. Upon learning of some of his constituents’ concerns over the hiring of such a divisive figure, Ohio Republican Rob Portman was overheard asking, “Since when did we care what the voters wanted?”
In a written statement released later in the day, Portman clarified that blaming Lobdell for the asinine decisions that led to the comic book bubble burst would be like blaming the janitor when Yahoo stock plummets. From the Senator’s written statement:
Mr. Lobdell wrote books that hundreds of thousands of people read every month, and to state that he had anything to do with marketing choices that crippled a very specific and tiny portion of our economy is beyond disingenuous. We here in (Washington) DC know what’s best for the country, and what’s best is an America as envisioned by Scott Lobdell. We in the Congressional Sub-Committee on Continuity of Governance knew we had found the right man after reading Uncanny X-Men #303: Going Through The Motions (cover pictured below). I still get a little emotional whenever I think back on that issue.
(Washington) DC insiders were worried that this might start a trend of (Washington) DC Doing Something Stupid, but it was quickly pointed out that there was no need to worry, as that trend began sometime around 1776.
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