Perverts, forty year old virgins, twelve year old boys, and chronic masturbators were highly upset Monday morning to learn that Zenescope, the comic book publisher famous for books such as Grimm's Scantily-Clad Big-Titted Fairy Tales, Scantily Clad Big Titted Alice in Scantily-Clad Big-Titted Wonderland, and Wizard of Oz if Everyone in Oz Including and Especially Dorothy Were a Scantily-Clad Big-Titted Pin-Up Girl, has released a teaser for an announcement at New York Comic Con that, surprisingly, did not feature hyper-sexualized artwork of a scantily-clad, big-titted fairy tale character drawn by J. Scott Campbell. The announcement is in regards to a super-mega-crossover event of some kind that is possibly called Age of Darkness, and, though it's highly possible, even highly probable, that the book or books eventually published will indeed feature this staple of Zenescope's product line, the lack of heaving, gigantic cartoon breasts barely contained within a ludicrously skimpy bikini in the teaser is certainly concerning, as is the fact that there is not a single instance of a female character needlessly contorting her body so that readers can ogle both her enormous breasts and thong-clad buttocks at the same time.
"What the hell?" asked one twelve year old boy who, reportedly, had not jacked off in "three or four hours" since the release of the teaser. "I count on Zenescope to provide the quality juvenile wanking material that my rampant hormones and curiosity about my changing body require on an hourly basis. I mean, where else I am supposed to find drawings of classic fairy tale characters that are so unnecessarily exploitive that they legally need to be kept in sealed brown paper backs in at least 36 states to avoid breaking multiple obscenity laws?"
Dynamite's variants? Aspen's? Any Marvel book by Greg Land?
"I thought about maybe opening the Zenescope books I have and looking for more material inside," the boy continued. "But it took a lot of work to get the pages unstuck."
Hold the phone! Theres pages inside those things?
"Once I got them open, using a hammer and a chisel, It turned out to be just like a regular comic in there," he sighed, disappointed. "I guess, if I learned anything, it's that what's on the outside is the only thing that's important, you know?"
Zenescope promises to reveal more about the event the event at New York Comic Con, and we can only hope that J. Scott Campbell will be working around the clock to draw nubile young fairy tail characters in various states of undress from now until then. Well, excluding the hourly breaks he probably needs to admire his own artwork.
Here's the teaser:
Ok, fine. Never let it be said that The Outhouse isn't looking out for you, perverts. Here's a bunch of the exclusive variants that will be available from Zenescope at NYCC, which were sent to us in a separate press release. We'll see you in ten minutes.