Greetings, comrades! It is I, El Presidente, reporting from the emergency room at an American hospital. Once I heard you had instituted a socialist healthcare system, I knew it was finally my opportunity to destroy your country from within by receiving treatment for illness without paying thousands of dollars and condemning myself to a lifetime of debt and poverty. Oh, JFK. If only you were still alive to see me get the last laugh. Haw haw haw!
It is a good thing I am here, though, my friends, because I may soon be in the throws of a scoopileptic seizure! Do you remember that rumor back in May that Michael Jordan, the actor from Chronicle, not the Hanes underwear model, was in talks to play Johnny Storm in the upcoming Fantastic Four reboot? Well, a new rumor is making its way around the web claiming that Jordan has officially signed on for the role. This is one of those rare instances when one rumor both builds off of and confirms another rumor, a sort of cold fusion of rumors that can grow into an unlimited source of rumor energy, like with Warner Bros.' Justice League movie, which was spawned from a similar series of events that eventually willed the movie into preproduction. Joseph Gordon-Levitt reportedly materialized out of thin air at Warner Bros. studios, disoriented, and was immediately cast as Aquaman.
But I digress, comrades. The point is that a website called Shmoes Know, as reputable a source as I've ever heard, reported that a source had exclusively revealed to them that Jordan has officially been cast an an articled titled "SCHMOES KNOW EXCLUSIVE! Michael B Jordan Cast as Johnny Storm in FANTASTIC FOUR Reboot!" This let to hit-farm Comicbook.com reposting the news in an article titled "Michael B. Jordan Reportedly Cast As Human Torch In Fantastic Four Reboot," and ComicBookMovie.com writing an article that cleverly uses both the word "official" and a question mark in the headline: "Michael B. Jordan Officially Signed On To Play 'Johnny Storm' In FANTASTIC FOUR?" By morning, it should be everywhere.
That's how we do it in the Hollywood gossip biz, baby. It's not a rumor. It's an "Official??? Report."
It reminds me a lot of the time that I played a game of "Telephone" with Che Guevara and his men in the jungles of South America. You know the one, where you whisper something in the ear of your comrade, and he whispers something in the ear of his comrade, and on and on until you get to the last comrade and see how it's changed? Long story short, the Bolivian Special Forces ended up ambushing Che's encampment and he was later executed. Haw haw haw! Good times!
In any case, this rumor could be true, or it could be compete and utter bullshit. That's not gonna stop the comics media from reporting it and getting unique hits though, and, if nothing else, we should at least be entertained by the cavalcade of racist complaints that a black actor is playing a white comic book character we are sure to see on social media.
I love America! I cannot believe I wasted all those years of my life!
Stay tuned to CubanoReview and The Outhouse for the latest in ridiculous Hollywood gossip, and avoid other Latino-themed movie rumor sites. El Presidente out!