Not since the days of Infinity has a comic book company produced a nearly perfect product, but Marvel came pretty close when it released its “Hammered” preview today.
“Just look at that font,” exclaimed Outhouse Webmaster Jude Terror. “They nailed it! Get it? Nailed. Hammer. You see, what I did there was make a carpentry pun that I never would have thought of without Marvel’s brilliant PR department.”
Outhouse contributing editor Jeremy “X-Man” Shane had this to say: "It’s not just the use of font, but the color scheme that really makes it work. The unique use of the grey #1 over top a pure black background with gold AND blue lettering! How do they do it?"
"Now now, Jeremy," said Outhouse Editor in Chief Christian Hoffer. "Let's not ask that question about how Marvel does it. Rudimentary photoshop skills are a trade secret of Marvel's unpaid interns, and we don't want to make Marvel feel uncomfortable by asking tough questions like that. They could easily start sending their teasers to other websites before us, and we wouldn't want that. So keep it fluffy."
"Will readers love this comic, or will readers really love it?" Hoffer added. "That would be a good question, and one that would not upset our delicate corporate relationship.
“Nearly perfect? I say thee NAY!” Interrupted Zechs, who had been waiting for his turn to gush since the first paragraph of this article, before he was shoved back into his padded cell. “But, no, wait, I have another Thor joke to make regarding a hammer….nooooo!”
"I just want to take a moment to point out that, from the bottom of my heart, I truly believe whatever the fuck comic this teaser ends up being about will be the best comic of all time," Terror chimed back in. "If I were a reader, and not a mainstream comics media shill who gets all these comics for free as payola for acting as a soldier in Marvel's PR army, I would buy three copies of it. This comic I don't even know the name of yet is that damn good."
Newsarama may think it's all fun and games to steal our shtick of making fun of Marvel's neverending barrage of teasers, but how do they like it when we steal their shtick of kissing corporate ass? It doesn't feel good, does it Newarama? Does it?!
No. It doesn't. I hope we've all learned a valuable lesson today. :P