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Has Marvel Exposed Its Teaser-Making Interns to Terrigen Mists?

Written by Jude Terror on Friday, November 08 2013 and posted in News with Benefits

Has Marvel Exposed Its Teaser-Making Interns to Terrigen Mists?

The sudden increase in teaser quality has led to allegations of performance enhancing mist usage.

Source: Press Release

Marvel released another Inhumanity teaser yesterday, this one titled Knowledge is Power. The real story isn't the tagline, however. It's the unbelievable increase in quality put into this new series of teasers.

For at least the last year, all of Marvel's teasers have consisted of a plain, black background with a single word or phrase slapped on top of it in a cheesy gradient. The Inhumanity teasers, however, feature elaborate artwork and graphic design. How can the same team of unpaid interns that slavishly produce the one-word teasers be producing these new works of art? The answer: Terrigen Mists.

"They tell me to let my body become mutated by alien mists so I can make better photoshops," said Marvel's chief design intern Vlad Kozinkerov, "so that is what I do."

Vlad, who works as an unpaid intern for at least three different comic book publishers, has long been the comic industry's go-to guy when someone needs something photoshopped quickly, such as when hastily planning a 52 book 3D variant cover gimmick month at the last minute. However, even with his formidable skills, it seems that Vlad needed an extra boost to get the job done on these intricate, propaganda-poster themed teasers.

"When I came to America, I knew it would be land of opportunity," Vlad told us. "I just did not know that opportunity would be to have my body genetically mutated into a grotesque, inhuman form."

Vlad seems eternally optimistic about his struggles, however.

"Given the choice, I would have preferred to keep my old body," he went on, the six slimy, green tentacles that used to be his arms waving around wildly. "But this is not so bad. With more limbs, I can do more work, which means I can send more money back to my family in Russia."

Thanks to his status as an unpaid intern, Vlad has to work additional side jobs to save up money to eventually bring his family over from Russia. When he's finally reunited with his wife, Vlad hopes that she will accept him for the changed man he is. "I think she will like me better with webbed feet and full body coat of fur," he explained. "Plus I have two dicks now, just like Wolverine."

The only thing that matters is that Marvel's teaser quality has increased, and that's more important than anything else.

"Doctors say I may have greatly reduced lifespan thanks to mutations," Vlad revealed. "It is impossible to tell, but I will probably die an early, painful death."

Yeah, but look at this thing. It's beautiful:

Inhumanity will mutate the Marvel Universe in December.


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About the Author - Jude Terror

Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably. A certified trash eater ruining the pristine field of comics journalism with his sarcasm and goofiness, Jude Terror is secretly friendly and congenial, so if you've got a complaint, why not just bring it up to him instead of subtweeting like a jackass, jackass? You can find him on Twitter or try your luck with an email, but keep in mind that he is notoriously unreliable and may not get back to you right away. Unless you want to send him free stuff, in which case he'll get back to you immediately.

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