After years of begging, thousands of petitions, and the prayers of millions, this morning The United States Senate finally pushed the button on the nuclear option. Unfortunately, rather than destroying each and every politician within the blast radius, the resulting mushroom cloud mutated most of the Senators and Congress(wo)men into monstrous versions of their worst traits. Whereas most of those affected survived the blast to find that their heads had, finally, found its way up in their own asses, there were some with more disastrous results.
Harry Reid (D), Senate Majority Leader, was painfully transformed into an 80ft tall elf with the power to put anyone within ear shot to sleep with just the sound of his voice. Much like Gregor Samsa, the pathetic protagonist form Franz Kafka’s The Metamorphosis, senior senator from Kentucky, Mitch McConnell, awoke from his early mid-morning nap to discover that he had turned into a giant turtle and immediately launched himself into space in search of Rincewind The Wizard. The most dramatic, and frightening, transformation came in the form of the junior senator from Kentucky, Rand Paul (R), who greeted reporters naked from the waist up looking like a Rob Liefeld creation:
Not surprisingly, congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R), was unaffected by the radiation. Theories regarding why she was left alone range from the idea that she was already an atomic powered monstrosity to the assumption that she is not affected by radiation like those native to this plant. Either way, the outgoing congresswoman remains the scariest monster in the DC area.
The public has been advised to stay away from any national politician for fear that they too would be negatively affected by the toxic auras permeating from those affected. This, of course, has been the stance of most Americans over the past couple of decades and it is assumed that this tragedy (?) will not affect the daily lives of anyone outside of national politics.