At 3PM this afternoon, fans and press will gather outside the Manhattan headquarters of Marvel Comics for a special conference... a press conference that could be their last! In the wake of several totally permanent and very meaningful character deaths in Uncanny Avengers #14, Marvel invited fans to Monday's event with the promise of "discussing the shocking events that took place and those yet to come with writer Rick Remender and editor Tom Brevoort!"
Well, that sounds nice. What could go wrong? For one thing, there's Remenders solemn vow that his critics should drown in hobo piss, a response to complaints about a speech he wrote for Uncanny Avengers leader Havok preaching assimilation for mutants. Remender displayed similar scorn when fans complained of a follow-up storyline in which the Scarlet Witch, in the course of acting as a proxy for Remender and delivering a five page lecture to fans who misconstrued his Havok speech, refers to her Romani ethnicity as "a religion," alluding to the mystical stereotypes of Gypsies.
Indeed, the scene on W. 5th street is ominously quiet, like a calm before the storm, as a large vat of warm, yellow liquid appears to be perched atop Marvel's building, waiting to rain golden death upon the attendees later this afternoon.
"I don't know what you're talking about," denied Marvel editor Tom Brevoort, sweating profusely as he stroked a fluffy white cat he carries with him everywhere he goes. "We just want to talk."
"We're not going to drown anyone here today," confirmed a sinister looking Remender, standing next to a comically large lever labeled Pull Lever to Drown Crowd in Hobo Piss.
"I mean, that would be ridiculous," Remender added, laughing nervously. "What, did I spend months stalking the railways, drugging and kidnapping hobos, bringing them back to my secret lair, inserting catheters, and force-feeding them liquid until I gathered enough of their urine to flood a New York City street if dropped from the top of a building, slaughtering the unsuspecting crowd gathered below? Come on."
If you want to witness the carnage live, sign up for Marvel's live blog. if you have business in Midtown Manhattan today, remember to wear your galoshes. And don't worry about The Outhouse. We never get invited to these things, even when they're thinly veiled mass murder plots.