Frank recently learn Sam Jackson up for role in Tarzan movie. Frank glad to see Tarzan get good actor, but confused why choose Sam Jackson, since he kind of old. What, you think Frank say because he black? Frank no racist! Tarzan have be naked most of time though, so maybe Sam Jackson get some new, fitter body parts. Frank help Sam out if Sam want. Frank sit down with Sam in tree house to talk about being Tarzan
Frank: Hi Sam
Sam: Me no “Sam” me motherfucking Tarzan, King of the motherfucking Jungle!
Frank: Frank thought it no good to say you come from Jungle?
Sam: It ok for me to say me from motherfucking jungle. You no can say me motherfucking from jungle, that fucking racist.
Frank: Ok, what you do, Tarzan?
Sam: Me lord motherfucking of motherfucking all jungle, motherfucker!
Frank: Frank thought Tarzan have other name?
Sam: Are you referring to “Apeman,” motherfucker?
Frank: Frank no know why, but Frank scared to answer question.
Sam: Go ahead, call me “Apreman.”
Frank:…Frank no think Frank allowed
Frank: Who play Jane?
Sam: Me hope Christina Ricci. She great in Black Snake Moan.
Frank: Stupid browser crash! Frank have to reboot. What Sam say?
Sam: Christina Ricci, from Black Snake Moan.
Frank: Frank no see Black Snake Moan.
Sam: No one see Black Snake Moan.
Frank: Frank reading Wikkepedia, it say Christina Ricci in Addam’s Family! That good movie!
Sam: Me here talk about my movie.
Frank: It also say she know Johnny Depp. He weird. Sam know Depp?
Sam: It “Tarazan” and no. Now me talk about Jane!
Frank: It say here Christina Ricci white, so Tarzan have jungle fever?
Sam: M.O.T.H.E.R.F.U.C.K.E.R!!! What did I just tell you?
Frank: Frank no understand racism. Frank monster made of body parts of people of all races. Frank no discriminate.
Sam: Does Tarzan look like a bitch?
Sam: Say “what” again.
Sam:…dude, c’mon, I have a whole shtick built up here
Frank: Frank sorry. What?
Sam: No, you ruined it. I’m out of here.
Frank: No, come back!
Frank: Frank sorry!
Frank: Oooh, Cheeta!
Sam [turning around slowly]: What did you just call me?
Frank: Frank sorry, frank reading Wikipedia article about Tarzan and Frank get distracted by monkey. Monkies funny.
Sam: First of all, Frank, Cheeta was a chimpanzee, not a monkey. Second of all, that chimp wasn't even part of the origin Tarzan stories by Edgar Rice Burroughs. That's some bullshit they just put in the movies in the 1930s. White people in the goddamn 1930s were obsessed with goddamn monkeys. Third of all, did you just call me a monkey? You know that's racist too, right?
Sam: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Frank: Why Sam mad?
Sam: You need to take some monster sensitivity training classes, motherfucker!
Frank: Frank sorry. Sam want cookie?
Sam: Me want cookie!
Frank: Sam back in character?
[ten minutes later]
Sam: Frank make good cookies!
Frank: Bride of Frank make cookies. Frank no go near oven. Fire bad!
Sam: FIRE BAD!
Frank: Frank know you play good Tarzan. Living in tree fun!
Sam: Oh, me no play Tarzan. Me just like talking like this. Me actually up for other role of Civil War veteran looking for redemption after massacring Native Americans. Alexander Skaarsgard play Tarzan.
Frank: Well, now Frank mad. Why no black Tarzan? Frank think Sam could do it.
Sam: Frank preaching to choir.
Frank: FIRE BAD!!!
Sam: Not fire. Choir.
Sam: Me sorry, it time to go. [reaches for vine to swing out of tree] Fuck, that no vine, it snake! Me sick of these motherfucking snakes in this motherfucking tree!
Frank: Thanks for taking time to talk to Frank. Maybe we see if Johnny Depp available to reprise role as Tonto, then we make another Christmas album.