Yesterday was a dark day for the comic book media. Fanboy dreamboat Joseph Gordon-Levitt was officially confirmed to produce, direct, and star in the upcoming Sandman movie. Of course, to the casual observer, this might seem like a dream come true for the comics media, which has speculated that Gordon-Levitt would be cast in a lead role in every superhero movie announced for the past two years, ascending to a position once held by Ryan Reynolds, Nathan Fillion, and various professional wrestlers. However, while there was undoubtedly a moment of joy as one of these predictions finally came true, it was quickly followed by the onset of a deep depression.
"When JGL had only played supporting roles in films like Dark Knight Rises and G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, it was still plausible that he could take on the lead in another comics or comic-related franchise," explained the head of the University of Phoenix's Comic Book Movie Rumor Sociology Department, Professor Thaddeus T. Puffinbottoms. "But now that he's playing Dream in Sandman, it's all over. JGL can't be both Dream and Batman, or Dream and Luke Skywalker, or Dream and Rocket Raccoon. It couldn't work. It's just not believable."
Puffinbottoms likened the probability of Gordon-Levitt playing the lead in another superhero movie after Sandman to CBR giving a less than four star review to a Marvel comic, or to superstar artist Rob Liefeld drawing characters with realistic anatomy and clearly visible feet. "The whole affair is over," Puffinbottoms concluded, suggesting that the media find a new muse for its completely baseless movie rumors.
"I'm not giving up!" vowed a teary-eyed Gus Sterlingham of popular hit farmwebsite ComicBook.net. "I've still got dozens of articles in the can with headlines like 'Will JGL Replace Robert Downey Jr. in the Iron Man Franchise?!' and 'JGL In Talks to Play Rorsharch Jr. in Watchmen 3: Before Watchmen 2!!!' Those articles aren't gonna go to waste, dammit!"
Though Sterlingham may be in denial, it's time for the media to face facts. Joseph Gordon-Levitt can no longer be the go-to guy for casting rumors. It was fun while it lasted, but it's time to move on. Hey, don't cry. I'm sure we can find a suitable replacement. How about Bradley Cooper? Or maybe a non-white guy even? Okay, let's not get ridiculous.
At press time, Gus Sterlingham was reportedly on suicide watch, having locked himself in his bedroom to listen to a collection of breakup song mix tapes. "What the hell is a mix tape?!" sobbed Sterlingham as he ripped photos of Joseph Gordon-Levitt out of a heart-doodle covered scrapbook and cut them up with scissors.