Source: ThanosCopter Newswire
Emboldened by the non-reaction to Matt Fraction's unceremonious departure from Inhuman, Marvel confirmed last night that they can commit murder and get away with it. At approximately 5:37 PM, the popular comics publisher calmly walked into the middle of Times Square and shot Jamal Reddington, a 54 year old tourist from North Dakota, with a small caliber pistol. After watching its victim bleed out onto the sidewalk, Marvel pulled out its phone and took several pictures of the corpse, posted the pictures on Facebook and Instagram, and then returned to its office unimpeded as a small crowd of comic press, creators and fans looked on.
Several members of the comic book press present at the time of the murder either declined to comment, or refused to rush to judgement. "It seems to me that Marvel did everything in its power not to shoot Mr. Reddington," said one CBR reporter, who declined to be named in case Marvel decided to come after them next. "Really, it looks like Reddington got in the way of Marvel's bullet. I don't really think that's Marvel's fault."
Despite Marvel leaving the gun at the scene of the murder and multiple security cameras capturing the attack, the NYPD is refusing to open a murder investigation, much to the dismay of Reddington's family. "We really don't know what happened," said a spokesperson for the police department, as a slideshow of Marvel's "I Killed a Man in Times Square, Just to Watch Him Die" Facebook photo album played on a large screen behind him. "And the NYPD feels it doesn't have the resources to move forward with a case at this time."
Marvel later released a brief interview on CBR, featuring their explanation of the events. The article explained that while Marvel did shoot Mr. Reddington, it wasn't murder as Reddington as he and the company had mutually agreed that he should die. "Oh yes," the article quoted the spirit of Mr. Reddington as saying. "It was a totally mutual decision. I have no ill will towards Marvel whatsoever, and I look forward to watching Guardians of the Galaxy in the afterlife."
Reaction to the article was largely positive, as they felt that Mr. Reddington's statement from beyond the grave helped clear the publisher from culpability in any crime. "Good on Marvel to not sugarcoat things," said one fan on Twitter. "I largely approve of their actions and will blindly support their books in the future."
When asked why they chose not to mock and satirize the incident, Outhouse Editor in Chief Christian Hoffer explained that not every publishing snafu was worth covering. "If we negatively covered every little publishing incident that occurred, people would just accuse us of being negative for the sake of hits. Wait, I just got a text saying that a DC intern got a papercut and couldn't find a band-aid in the DC offices. Time to RESET THE COUNTER!"
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About the Author - ThanosCopter
ThanosCopter is a specially designed helicopter built to transport Thanos the Mad Titan. Built by Sterling Custom Helicopters, ThanosCopter appeared in several Marvel comics, before being abandoned by its owner during the character's ascension into major villainy. ThanosCopter was discovered by the Outhouse and given a second chance at life. He now buzzes merrily around the comic book industry, spreading snark, satire and humor like candy to small children.
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