The calm and serene Marvel 616 Universe was rocked to its core today as reports starting floating around that reality TV star and known hick, Rob Philistine, made anti-mutant comments in an upcoming issue of Refined Man Sometimes:
It seems like, to me, a vagina -- as a man -- would be more desirable than a the hind quarters of a bear, or dog, or whatever Henry McCoy is at the moment.. That's just me. I'm just thinking: There's more there! A real human’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, peeps! You know what I'm saying? But hey, abomination: It's not logical, my man. It's just not logical.
When asked to expand on his definition of "abomination", the star of F.O.W.L. Empire stated, "It starts with being born a mutant and just morph from there. Bestiality, human women sleeping with mutants, mutants with mutants, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!”
Mr. Philistine then apologized for quoting Ghostbusters, noting that he sometimes gets “carried away.”
Culture and Opiate For The Masses (C&OftM), the cable channel that airs F.O.W.L. Empire, released a statement late this morning condemning Mr. Philistine’s remarks as “based on his own personal beliefs and do not reflect the values of Culture and Opiate For The Masses, which has always been at the forefront of Mutant rights.”
Why anyone is surprised by the fact that this backwards piece of white trash holds outdated and offensive opinions is beyond me. All I know…
[Jude comes barging into the room]
Jude: You can’t say that, RU!
Jude: “White trash.”
RU: Since when?
Jude: Since everyone got their panties in a bunch over the littlest shit.
RU: Wait, I can’t call some ignorant hick...
RU: I can’t call this person "white trash" but you can say “panties in a bunch?”
RU: I know, right!
Jude:…moving on, why the hell is this stupid fucking show on a channel called Culture and Opiate For The Masses? There is absolutely no culture on this show!
RU: Don’t get me started. Ever since Culture and Opiate For The Masses stopped making Nero Wolfe in favor of low budget garbage I’ve lost all patience for the channel.
Jude: What were we talking about?
RU: Some asshat saying asshatty things and it being “news.” Although, I am kind of currious how the subject of mutant rights even came up in an intervew about F.O.W.L. Empire.
Jude: You could buy the magazine.
RU and Jude laugh at the continued presence of print media.
Jude: I'm hungry. Let's get a taco.
RU: Did you just quote Reservoir Dogs?
Jude: Lemme tell you what 'Like a Virgin' is about. It's all about this cooze who's a regular fuck machine; I'm talking morning, day, night, afternoon, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.
RU: How many dicks is that?
Jude: More than that one guy from Duck Dynasty can chug in his entire life.
RU: True story, and he loves the cock!