Outhouse Exclusively Quotes Two Exclusive Articles Exclusively About Dark Horse's Project Black Sky, Thus Creating Super-Exclusive Article
Source: ThanosCopter Newswire
In a classic case of asking two girls out to the same dance, Newsarama and CBR have both EXLCUSIVELY announced that Dark Horse is releasing Project Black Sky, their first superhero crossover, as their 2014 FCBD offering. In order to appease both websites' desire for exclusivity, Dark Horse split up their marketing team into two groups, one to woo Newsarama's writers, and one to distract CBR from realizing their bitter rivals from discovering anything was amiss.
Newsarama's interview EXCLUSIVELY revealed that Project Black Sky would be a crossover between Captain Midnight and Brain Boy that would lead to a cohesive universe populated by Dark Horse's characters, while CBR's interview EXCLUSIVELY revealed that Dark Horse would have a cohesive universe populated with Dark Horse's characters starting with a crossover between Captain Midnight and Brain Boy.
Here's quotes from both articles. First a Fred Van Lente quote from Newsarama:
It’s really exciting because we’re starting to see various elements of the Dark Horse superhero universe come together.
And next a Mike Richardson quote from CBR
We're creating an exciting world where we have a number of characters that populate the world, and we're going to tie them all together with this "Project Black Sky" that will explain a lot of what's going on.
Even more intriguing than the crossover is the presence of two EXCLUSIVE interviews stating the exact same thing. "It's a paradox," explained Professor Thaddeus T. Puffinbottoms, head of the prestigious University of Phoenix's Experimental Exclusivity Physics department. "No two websites can claim exclusivity to the same announcement. It's unheard of!"
Puffinbottoms then paused when realizing that the Outhouse had just quoted both EXCLUSIVE interviews in the same article. "My god," he said. "By combining two EXCLUSIVE articles into one EXCLUSIVE article, The Outhouse has created a new kind of EXCLUSIVE, a super-EXCLUSIVE. This....this is bigger than Jesus!"
After hastily conducting several complex equations on a whiteboard, Puffinbottoms paled. "It's unknown how this new super-EXCLUSIVE will interact with other EXCLUSIVE articles on the internet," he said, illustrating his points by making exploding hand gestures and whooshing sounds with his mouth, "but the results could be disastrous. An EXCLUSIVE crisis of unique hits unlike anything the world has ever seen!"
To study the new super-EXCLUSIVE article, teams of scientists were flown in on private jets from across the globe to the internet headquarters of The Outhouse, and immediately began walking around in white labcoats, taking samples of things, and frowning meaningfully. "We need to study this new super-EXCLUSIVE," explained Puffinbottoms, as he held up a beaker of brightly colored chemicals, "what exactly makes it different from a regular EXCLUSIVE or non-EXCLUSIVE article, and exactly how many extra unique hits can be gained by including the word super-EXCLUSIVE in the headline of an article."
Some were excited about the breakthrough. "This changes everything!" exclaimed Dr. Charles M. Frecklefitz, the chair of the Exclusive Articles Department for DeVry University. "With the super-EXCLUSIVE, websites can now capture 100% of the available hits for any given topic!"
However, not all the scientists were impressed. "This sounds like a load of bullshit," said the leader of the Swedish team, Dr. Bjorn Bjornjensen P.H.D. of the University of Stockholm. "Both of the original articles are basically just glorified press releases, and the Outhouse article looks like a joke to me. I'm pretty sure it's just making fun of those other sites for being douchey."
Bjornjensen went on to complain about the waste of the university's money and the time of important scientists who could be working on solving problems that affect the world, like curing cancer or figuring out why the hell Duck Dynasty is so fucking popular. "Why the fuck did I fly all the way out here?" Bjornjensen wondered angrily.
"For science!" exclaimed Puffinbottoms.
Indeed. We'll keep you updated on the development of the super-EXCLUSIVE article as more discoveries become available. That Dark Horse comic that we mentioned in passing will be released on Free Comic Book Day.
The Outhouse is sponsored by Cinema Crazed: Celebrating Film Culture & Pop Culture.
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About the Author - ThanosCopter
ThanosCopter is a specially designed helicopter built to transport Thanos the Mad Titan. Built by Sterling Custom Helicopters, ThanosCopter appeared in several Marvel comics, before being abandoned by its owner during the character's ascension into major villainy. ThanosCopter was discovered by the Outhouse and given a second chance at life. He now buzzes merrily around the comic book industry, spreading snark, satire and humor like candy to small children.
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