A legitimate scientific study concluded this week that purchasing and reading copies of the dark fantasy series Rachel Rising, about a girl named Rachel who wakes up in a grave to find she is dead and her quest to find out how this happened, could prevent gruesome, painful death as a result of a rare new disease. The study, conducted by a team of top scientists from a well-known university, tested the resistance of subjects who had purchased and read the book, and found that, in 100% of cases, not a single subject died suddenly of melting flesh, exploding genitalia, or uncontrollable anal bleeding.
"The obvious conclusion here is that, by purchasing a copy of the latest issue of Rachel Rising, readers can protect themselves from a horrible death due to a disease that causes flesh to melt, penises and vaginas to spontaneously explode, and all of the blood in the body to quickly evacuate through the anus," explained Lead Fictitious Disease Researcher Professor Thaddeus T. Puffinbottoms of the prestigious University of Phoenix. "I mean, that's the only conclusion, right?"
We asked Puffinbottoms if the actual reason might not simply be that such a disease doesn't exist, and wondered if any studies had been done that show that people who don't read the book do get sick.
"Who knows more about science?" Puffinbottoms asked in response, pointing to the framed diploma from the DeVry Institute of Comic Book Medicine on his wall. "You? Or me?"
Well, you, we suppose.
"Of course I do," Puffinbottoms gloated. "Now, while the first twenty four issues of Rachel Rising are all one storyline, Rachel Rising #25 is expected to be a standalone issue which would make a great jumping on point for anyone who had never read the book before."
"For readers who are currently buying it," he continued, "make sure to put it on your pull list. Scientifically speaking, that's the best way to make sure your comic shop orders a copy for you, and you're not left in danger of having your penis or vagina explode because you couldn't get a copy in time."
We asked whether Puffinbottoms' somewhat odd stance might have anything to do with the fact that Moore has been posting on Twitter that the series is in danger of cancellation, but the professor insisted that, though he is a big fan of the book and would not want to see Moore, an Eisner Award winning cartoonist with critically acclaimed works like Strangers in Paradise under his belt, stop producing it, as a scientist, he would never let his personal desires stand in the way of the truth.
"And the undeniable, scientifically proven truth is: you will bleed to death out of your asshole if you don't buy Rachel Rising today," Puffinbottoms insisted. He suggested that those who already have the book on their pull list try to convince their friends to try it out too, that is, if they care about the well being of their friends penises and vaginas, or the unmelted state of their skin and flesh.