Wednesday, March 21, 2018 • Evening Edition • "Cyclops was right."

Painful Death Linked to Not Buying Terry Moore's Rachel Rising

Written by Jude Terror on Friday, December 20 2013 and posted in News with Benefits

Painful Death Linked to Not Buying Terry Moore's Rachel Rising

A recently concluded study claims to conclusively link not buying Terry Moore's Rachel Rising to death by exploding genitalia and other horrific methods.

Source: ThanosCopter Newswire

A legitimate scientific study concluded this week that purchasing and reading copies of the dark fantasy series Rachel Rising, about a girl named Rachel who wakes up in a grave to find she is dead and her quest to find out how this happened, could prevent gruesome, painful death as a result of a rare new disease. The study, conducted by a team of top scientists from a well-known university, tested the resistance of subjects who had purchased and read the book, and found that, in 100% of cases, not a single subject died suddenly of melting flesh, exploding genitalia, or uncontrollable anal bleeding.

"The obvious conclusion here is that, by purchasing a copy of the latest issue of Rachel Rising, readers can protect themselves from a horrible death due to a disease that causes flesh to melt, penises and vaginas to spontaneously explode, and all of the blood in the body to quickly evacuate through the anus," explained Lead Fictitious Disease Researcher Professor Thaddeus T. Puffinbottoms of the prestigious University of Phoenix. "I mean, that's the only conclusion, right?"

We asked Puffinbottoms if the actual reason might not simply be that such a disease doesn't exist, and wondered if any studies had been done that show that people who don't read the book do get sick.

"Who knows more about science?" Puffinbottoms asked in response, pointing to the framed diploma from the DeVry Institute of Comic Book Medicine on his wall. "You? Or me?"

Well, you, we suppose.

"Of course I do," Puffinbottoms gloated. "Now, while the first twenty four issues of Rachel Rising are all one storyline, Rachel Rising #25 is expected to be a standalone issue which would make a great jumping on point for anyone who had never read the book before."

"For readers who are currently buying it," he continued, "make sure to put it on your pull list. Scientifically speaking, that's the best way to make sure your comic shop orders a copy for you, and you're not left in danger of having your penis or vagina explode because you couldn't get a copy in time."

We asked whether Puffinbottoms' somewhat odd stance might have anything to do with the fact that Moore has been posting on Twitter that the series is in danger of cancellation, but the professor insisted that, though he is a big fan of the book and would not want to see Moore, an Eisner Award winning cartoonist with critically acclaimed works like Strangers in Paradise under his belt, stop producing it, as a scientist, he would never let his personal desires stand in the way of the truth.

"And the undeniable, scientifically proven truth is: you will bleed to death out of your asshole if you don't buy Rachel Rising today," Puffinbottoms insisted. He suggested that those who already have the book on their pull list try to convince their friends to try it out too, that is, if they care about the well being of their friends penises and vaginas, or the unmelted state of their skin and flesh.


Help spread the word, loyal readers! Share this story on social media:

Comment without an Outhouse Account using Facebook

We get it. You don't feel like signing up for an Outhouse account, even though it's FREE and EASY! That's okay. You can comment with your Facebook account below and we'll take care of adding it to the stream above. But you really should consider getting a full Outhouse account, which will allow you to quote posts, choose an avatar and sig, and comment on our forums too. If that sounds good to you, sign up for an Outhouse account by clicking here.

Note: while you are welcome to speak your mind freely on any topic, we do ask that you keep discussion civil between each other. Nasty personal attacks against other commenters is strongly discouraged. Thanks!
Help spread the word, loyal readers! Share this story on social media:

About the Author - Jude Terror

Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably. A certified trash eater ruining the pristine field of comics journalism with his sarcasm and goofiness, Jude Terror is secretly friendly and congenial, so if you've got a complaint, why not just bring it up to him instead of subtweeting like a jackass, jackass? You can find him on Twitter or try your luck with an email, but keep in mind that he is notoriously unreliable and may not get back to you right away. Unless you want to send him free stuff, in which case he'll get back to you immediately.

More articles from Jude Terror
The Outhouse is not responsible for any butthurt incurred by reading this website. All original content copyright the author. Banner by Ali Jaffery - he's available for commission!