Christmas is a magical time of year. It's a time of peace and goodwill toward men. It's a time for giving gifts. Sugar plums. Candy canes. Snowmen coming to life with magic hats! Alan Moore putting on a pair of red pajamas, climbing down through your chimney, wreaking of eggnog and brandy, and leaving an upper decker in your bathroom (at least if you're Len Wein). Bur most of all, it's a time for reflection, when those of us who've lost touch with the true meaning of Christmas have a chance for redemption, like in the classic story by Charles Dickens and Walt Disney: A Christmas Carol.
But unlike Ebenezer Scrooge, last night, The Outhousers weren't visited by three spirits. They were visited by fifty-freaking-two of them!
"I guess we've been naughty this year," said ace reporter and decommissioned supervillain escape vehicle ThanosCopter.
According to reports, The Outhousers, feared and reviled by most of comics fandom because of their status as trash-talking hooligans, were far too bad for just three Christmas ghosts to show them the error of their ways.
"I was visited by The Ghost of Christmas Saying Bob Harras Engages in Bestiality, The Ghost of Christmas Making Up Fake Quotes for Comics Professionals That Portray Them in an Unfavorable Light, and The Spirit of Christmas Taking Cheap Shots at Rob Liefeld When He's Not Even Involved in a Story," admitted webmaster Jude Terror, counting off ghosts on his fingers. "Oh, and also the Ghost of Christmas Badly Photoshopping Dan Didio and Jim Lee's Heads onto the Bodies of Cockroaches. The Ghost of Christmas Saying Jason Aaron Wants to Have Sex with Wolverine visited both me and Thanoscopter."
"Yeah, that guy was a real killjoy," added ThanosCopter. "But not nearly as bad as that Ghost of Christmas Saying DC Comics Has a Glass Box in Their Office Labeled 'In Case of Mainstream Gay Blowjob Acceptance Break Glass.' He lectured me for about an hour and a half. And don't even get me started on The Spirit of Christmas Pointing Out Whenever Marvel or DC Do Something Blatantly Sexist, Racist, or Homophobic, Resulting in Terrible Embarrassment for Them."
As the night went on, the ghosts kept coming.
"The Ghost of Christmas Somehow Managing to Write Hit-Grabbing Articles About the Latest Superhero Movie Rumors While Simultaneously Decrying Other Sites for Doing the Same Thing really had it in for me," complained Jeremy Shane. "Haters gonna hate.
"My friends!" said head Latino-themed Hollywood gossip reporter and former dictator of Cuba, El Presidente. "I was visited by The Ghost of Calling El Mayimbe from Latino Review a Poser, but I'm pretty sure he was just the ghost of Che Guevarra in a powdered wig. He's such a joker, comrades!"
No Outhousers were safe from the ghostly assault. Not even the jews.
"I'll tell you what: this shit borders on anti-semetic," said GHERU. "They kept showing up, one after another. The Spirit of Christmas Spellchecking Your Articles Before Posting Them, The Ghost of Christmas Calling Out Whiny Fanboys for their Irrationality, The Spirit of Christmas Adapting Beloved Holiday Poems in Order to Make Fun of DC Comics... I kept telling them I celebrate Chanukah, but they wouldn't listen."
"But hey, it could be worse," GHERU continued. "I could be Zechs. Or sdsichero, who had to listen to twenty minutes of stand-up from The Ghost of Bad Christmas Puns."
All told, fifty-two ghosts visited the various snarky news reporters on The Outhouse, though the Review Team and Featured Contributors were left mostly unmolested, as was resident DC Apologist IvCNuB4. The irony of the number was not lost on DC Comics head honcho Dan Didio, who sources say laughed heartily upon learning of The Outhousers' misfortune, particularly when Outhouse Editor in Chief Christian Hoffer was berated by an angry Ghost of Christmas Setting Up a One Page Counter Website to Troll a Multinational Media Conglomerate.
"They got what they deserved," Didio was heard to say, as he emptied out a large stocking stuffed entirely with coal.
Merry Christmas, Outhousers!
Update: After press time, sources contacted us to let us know that Outhouse Mysterious Benefactor BK Thomson was reportedly visited by the Ghost of Christmas Making Frowny Faces in the Comments of Articles to Indicate He's Sad He Was Left Out Even Though He's Not Technically a "Snarky News Reporter" as the Headline Reads. We'll keep you up to date with more information as it becomes available.