As temperatures in North America hit record lows, the nation braces for another day of freezing weather thanks to the polar vortex, powerful, circular winds that normally contain extremely cold temperatures to the arctic, but which have expanded southward, enveloping the middle of the USA, the East Coast, and parts of Canada in arctic temperatures . In New York City, the five degree temperature is the coldest in over 100 years, while some cities in the Midwest are seeing temperatures with windchill of up to 60 degrees below zero. In Canada, the weather is so bad it's causing coldquakes, explosions in the ground caused by frozen ground water. Here's a graphic we stole from the New York Daily News to make it look like we did research:
What's to blame for this dangerous weather phenomenon? Some industry analysts are saying it's DC Comics. That's right, the dysfunctional comic book publisher may be behind the coldwave, reportedly as an attempt to convince staff members to move to Burbank, California, where the temperature is currently a nice 50 degrees. While we recognize that this theory is a little outlandish, we feel it's our journalistic responsibility to get to the bottom of it, so we sent Ace Reporter and decommissioned supervillain vehicle ThanosCopter to the offices of DC head honcho Dan Didio to ask him the tough questions. Using ThanosCopter's onboard cameras, we are able to bring you a transcript of the meeting:
ThanosCopter (shivering): Jesus Christ, it's fucking cold in here. What do you keep your thermostat at?
Dan Didio: That's none of your business.
ThanosCopter: What do you say to the rumors that DC Comics is behind the snow and extremely cold weather?
Didio: Those are completely unfounded rumors. Who am I, Mr. Freeze? Ha ha ha. Ridiculous.
ThanosCopter: Then why is your skin blue, and why are you wearing that glass helmet?
Didio: What glass helmet?
ThanosCopter: The one you're wearing. And right back there, in the corner of your office, you've got a frozen woman in a cryogenic chamber.
Didio: My wife Nora has nothing to do with this.
ThanosCopter: Come on.
Didio: These accusations are completely unfair. I don't know why...
Didio was interrupted by an intern barging into his office with a thick binder full of papers labeled "Plan to Freeze North America by Dan Didio." Before he could say anything, Didio pulled a futuristic ray gun from under his desk and zapped the intern with it, freezing him solid where he stood.
Didio: What was I saying?
ThanosCopter: You just shot an intern with a freeze ray.
Didio: No I didn't.
ThanosCopter: I just saw you do it.
Didio: Let's talk about something else.
ThanosCopter: No, let's talk about this. People are freezing. You've got to stop this. Have some mercy.
Didio: Mercy? I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy.
Didio: Can you be cold, Batman? You have eleven minutes to thaw a bird. What will you do? Chase the villain or save the boy? Your emotions make you weak. That's why this day is mine!
ThanosCopter: Ok, that's definitely a quote from Batman and Robin.
Didio (now with a Swartzenegger accent): Take two of deese, and call me in da morning!
Didio pointed his freeze ray at ThanosCopter at that point, and we lost the transmission. We're sure it's just technical difficulties and he'll get back in touch soon. In the meantime, stay warm out there, Outhousers.
In retrospect, DC's Polar Vortex logo should have tipped us off.