Last night, we think, the Golden Globes handed out awards to Hollywood professionals in an annual tradition that dates back a number of years that we're fairly confident in saying is longer than ten years and less than a hundred. The event, which was probably held somewhere in the Los Angeles area, was likely attended by a veritable who's who list of C to A- list celebrities, and rewarded accomplishments in what we're pretty sure is the movie industry. There may have been performances of some kind during the show, though we wouldn't bet the house on it or anything.
The evening opened up with celebrities arriving at the event and walking the red carpet, where fans and onlookers waited to catch a glimpse of people more famous and therefore more important than them because their lives are so empty and meaningless that the mere sight of rich people who have appeared in movies is probably, like, the highlight of their fucking year. Bottom-feeding sexual deviants who make a living reporting on celebrity gossip and following celebrities around to snap pictures of them were also in attendance, as well as, we assume, Ryan Seacrest and/or one or two Ryan Seacrest analogs from whichever network Seacrest does not work for. Maybe Joan Rivers was one of them, that is, if she's still alive
As the night wore on, awards were handed out to films and professionals that were, more or less, deserving of recognition for performances that were somewhat better than mediocre. Great performances may have resulted in awards as well, though we're sure that was less important than the amount of lobbying the studio conducted toward the people who chose the awards, who were, maybe, other industry professionals, or, perhaps, critics, members of the press, or possibly even a series of online polls. We really don't have any idea.
The real highlights of the event, though, were both the speeches given by the winners, which clocked in at various levels of heartfeltedness, and the antics of the host(s), which were humorous in a relatively inoffensive, network-friendly manner. The Outhouse would like to congratulate all of the winners, unless any of them were rapists, pedophiles, or overt racists, in which case we congratulate all the other winners, but not those ones. Stay tuned to this website, as Oscar season is coming up at some point in the next couple of months, we're pretty sure.