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A Completely Uninformative Golden Globes Report

Written by Jude Terror on Monday, January 13 2014 and posted in News with Benefits

A Completely Uninformative Golden Globes Report

What happened at the Golden Globes last night? Your guess is as good as ours!

Last night, we think, the Golden Globes handed out awards to Hollywood professionals in an annual tradition that dates back a number of years that we're fairly confident in saying is longer than ten years and less than a hundred. The event, which was probably held somewhere in the Los Angeles area, was likely attended by a veritable who's who list of C to A- list celebrities, and rewarded accomplishments in what we're pretty sure is the movie industry. There may have been performances of some kind during the show, though we wouldn't bet the house on it or anything.

The evening opened up with celebrities arriving at the event and walking the red carpet, where fans and onlookers waited to catch a glimpse of people more famous and therefore more important than them because their lives are so empty and meaningless that the mere sight of rich people who have appeared in movies is probably, like, the highlight of their fucking year. Bottom-feeding sexual deviants who make a living reporting on celebrity gossip and following celebrities around to snap pictures of them were also in attendance, as well as, we assume, Ryan Seacrest and/or one or two Ryan Seacrest analogs from whichever network Seacrest does not work for. Maybe Joan Rivers was one of them, that is, if she's still alive

As the night wore on, awards were handed out to films and professionals that were, more or less, deserving of recognition for performances that were somewhat better than mediocre. Great performances may have resulted in awards as well, though we're sure that was less important than the amount of lobbying the studio conducted toward the people who chose the awards, who were, maybe, other industry professionals, or, perhaps, critics, members of the press, or possibly even a series of online polls. We really don't have any idea.

The real highlights of the event, though, were both the speeches given by the winners, which clocked in at various levels of heartfeltedness, and the antics of the host(s), which were humorous in a relatively inoffensive, network-friendly manner. The Outhouse would like to congratulate all of the winners, unless any of them were rapists, pedophiles, or overt racists, in which case we congratulate all the other winners, but not those ones. Stay tuned to this website, as Oscar season is coming up at some point in the next couple of months, we're pretty sure.


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About the Author - Jude Terror

Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably. A certified trash eater ruining the pristine field of comics journalism with his sarcasm and goofiness, Jude Terror is secretly friendly and congenial, so if you've got a complaint, why not just bring it up to him instead of subtweeting like a jackass, jackass? You can find him on Twitter or try your luck with an email, but keep in mind that he is notoriously unreliable and may not get back to you right away. Unless you want to send him free stuff, in which case he'll get back to you immediately.

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