Greetings! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting from the funeral of net neutrality and an open internet.
Comrades,if you have been paying attention to the Hollywood gossip game recently, you have surely noticed all of the ridiculous rumors that websites have been publishing about Superhero movies. Just off the top of my head, there was the Wonder Woman Kryptonian origin rumor that turned out to be complete speculation, the Fantastic Four/X-Men movie crossover that was denied by Mark Millar, Jason Mamoa in talks with DC, The Rock playing Sinestro in a Green Lantern movie, Johnny Depp as Doctor Strange, and, just last night, a report from that poser El Mayimbe claiming that forty-seven year old Donal Logue was set to play a twenty year old Jim Gordon in the upcoming Gotham teen drama. Folks, these websites aren't even trying anymore!
Well, my friends, I was not going to stand around and let these other sites claim scoop after scoop and rack in unique hits, so I've sent my agents to learn where El Mayimbe and his ilk are getting such complete bullshit rumors. My friends, the mission was a success! Not only were my loyal spies able to determine that El Mayimbe was getting his rumors from an actual rumor generating machine, a supercomputer with no purpose other than creating completely unfounded rumors about superhero movies for the purpose of shamelessly raking in unique hits, but they were actually able to steal the machine and bring it to me, so that the unique hits could now be mine!
El Mayimbe in his pajamas. You can see the rumor generator in the background.
Unfortunately, I think the rumor generator may have been badly damaged in transit. It is currently emitting black smoke and making a horrendous grinding sound, but I think it still works, so let us turn this bad boy on and come up with some rumors!
Ok, here we go. Let's see...
Really? That can't be right. Well, there's no turning back now. Let me get my reading glasses.
Comrades, my inside sources have told me that Dame Judi Dench is in talks to play Aquaman in the upcoming Superman vs. Batman movie. According to the source, who is closely involved in the production, Dench will have a critical role in the film.
Yeah, uh... Let's just tweet that and try that again. Hang on...
My friends, I am hearing through multiple channels that Kirk Cameron has signed a three picture deal with Disney to play Johnny Storm in the Fantastic Four reboot. The Growing Pains star and conservative Christian will...
Okay, there is clearly something wrong here. These rumors are completely ridiculous. Who would believe any of these. Surely, no reputable site would... oh dear, it appears that Judi Dench as Aquaman has been picked up by Comicbook.net, ComicBookMovie, Hasidic-Review, and at least thirty-seven other rumor sites. I guess the machine is working as intended! It's the media that's broken.
I've gotta run, comrades. People are going to be very upset with me in a few hours. Stay tuned to Cubano Review, the number one Latino-themed Hollywood gossip column on the internet! El Presidente out!