If you paid close attention to Thursday’s Marvel Comics Full Monthly Solicitations For April 2014 you would have noticed not only that Chris Claremont’s Wolverine featuring Nightcrawler #1 solicit uses the work BAMFing as if it were an actual gerund, but also that Marvel is continuing with their long tradition of following up their bi-monthly OMG EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG, PWND!!!!1111 events with a What If? story that explores what would have happened if OMG EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG, BUT IN A DIFFERENT WAY, N000B!!!!! with a five part weekly (because the 10 part bi-weekly even wasn’t annoying enough) What If: Age Of Ultron mini-series. Each of the first four issues will focus on “What would the Marvel Universe look like if another founding Avenger had been killed instead?” With the fifth issue actually addressing the problem Wolverine went back in time to solve; What If? Hank Pym had never created Ultron. From the solicitations:
Issue #1: What If The Wasp Was Killed?*
Issue #2: What If Iron Man Was Killed?**
Issue #3: What If Thor Was Killed?^
Issue #4: What If Captain America Was Killed?^^
Issue #5: What If Hank Pym never created Ultron at all?? ~
*and The Black Panther died crossing the street in Reno, Nevada
**and Luke cage sharted in Church.
^After suffering a blood clot upon hitting his finger with Mjölnir while trying to build a bird house.
^^By hitting a pine tree after being dared to sled down “dead man’s hill” by a group of ruffians.
~Because his local school levy failed thus forcing his district to cut the sciences in favor of the arts.
What was not revealed in Thursday’s solicits is that the What If? Age Of Ultron series coming out in April is actually the second version of the book to plotted out. We here at The Outhouse, your number one spot for all things Ludacris, were able to obtain a later draft of the original What If? Age Of Ultron: What If Age Of Ultron Was Good?
What If? Age Of Ultron was to be written by Cullen Bunn with a rotating (per panel) art team, just to troll Image Comics in retribution for Image’s trolling of Marvel’s one-word promos and #1 relaunches. But, unlike Image United, What If? Age Of Ultron will actually come out. The one-shot was to focus on The Avengers’ attempts to save the world from its new overlord, Ultron. The Avengers, minus Captain America who was kicked out for being a pussy and crying about the whole thing, meet up to discuss their options. Nick Fury suggests traveling into the future, to which everyone else response “How in the blue Hell does that solve a problem that happened yesterday?”
Nick Fury: She-Hulk and Luke Cage just told us that Ultron is controlling things from the future. We should take the fight there. I'm sick of this motherf*cking Ultron taking over my motherf*cking planet!
Sue Richards: *rolls eyes* How long you been sitting on that one?
Cannonball: Excuse me, sir, I may just be a simple kid from Kentucky, but that sounds…stupid. If we can travel in time, shouldn’t we go back to yesterday and stop Ultron from killing everyone.
Fury: By going to the future we can save the past!
Moon Knight: The kid is right, that’s crazy talk. And I know from crazy.
Wolverine: No, “buts,” bub, we need to travel to the past and kill Hank Pym! *pops claws*
Bruce Banner: Wait, what? How is that a good solution? Can’t we, I don’t know, just travel back in time and tell Pym not to build Ultron?
Wolverine: But what if he doesn’t listen? Can I snikt him then?
Banner: Aren’t you basically immortal? Why not just stay in the past and give him a good head slap if he starts on an Ultron type thing?
Spider-Man (not sure which one): Like that episode of Stargate SG-1?
Wolverine: But, then…
Spider-Man: Just think how much easier it will be for you to kill all your kids if you can get to them before they are adults. We all know how much you love stabbing children.
Wolverine: Yea! Ohh, I could even get my hands on a nice, young, supple Jean Grey….
Wolverine: *popping his claws in and out repeatedly* Jeannie darlin'… best I am at what I do… ‘xcuse me, I’ll be in my bunk.
*20 minutes later*
Iron Man: So, Logan, ready to go back in time?
Wolverine: Yup, bub.
Iron Man: Cool, just stand on that square over there and we’ll see you in 5 minutes our time, 40+ years your time.
Sunspot: Time is relative, just like your mom and dad! BOOSH!
Iron Man: Anyways, Logan, realize that we will have no idea that you’ve been gone or that anything happened. Try not to be a dick about the whole thing…and buy stock in Google.
Wolverine: Are you saying that none of this will actually matter? That’s kind of a rip-off, don’t you think.
*Iron Man hits the button*
Moon Knight: I want a taco.
Wow! Dear readers that was a very coherent and well thought out plan on the part of The Avengers. No wonder it was scrapped.
The final version of What If: Age Of Ultron will be taking up shelf space starting sometime in April.