It was a sad day for music fans. On January 16, 2014, The Captain and Tennille, titular stars of the eponymous recording group, filed for divorce, ending a 39 year marriage that presided over five RIAA certified gold albums and 6 top ten hits on the Billboard Top 100. What could bring an end to such an illustrious partnership? Money troubles? Creative disputes? No, the answer is far more insidious: comic books.
"When Marvel first published the X-Men: Schism super-mega-crossover event in 2011, it didn't take long for the couple to choose opposing sides," a source close to both The Captain and Tennille told The Outhouse. "Tennille believed that Wolverine made some good points about Cyclops putting children in danger, but The Captain insisted that Cyclops was a leader that made tough choices in difficult situations."
According to reports, the situation only worsened as the divide widened between two groups of X-Men, one supporting Cyclops on the mutant island of Utopia, and one supporting Wolverine at his new Jean Grey School for Higher Learning. During the time period leading up to the Avengers vs. X-Men super-mega-crossover event in 2012, tensions became high as The Captain accused Wolverine of being a hypocrite in his attitudes toward Cyclops while murdering all of his own children in Jason Aaron's Wolverine Vol. 4. Tennille refuted the claims, insisting that Wolverine was tricked into the murders by the villainous Red Right Hand, an assertion that would come back to haunt her after the ending to Avengers vs. X-Men, when Cyclops, possessed by a genocidal cosmic bird entity, murdered his mentor, Professor X.
"How the fuck can Wolverine not see that Cyclops wasn't in control of his actions?!" wondered an enraged Captain, reportedly, in the wake of the story, as Wolverine turned up the heat on his former friend and teammate. "Wolverine murders people while under the control of an evil influence like twice a fucking week!"
Tennille, unwilling to compromise, reportedly pointed out that Cyclops has always been "kind of a dick," citing the time that he left his wife and child to reunite with a recently resurrected Jean Grey, and the time he had a psychic affair with Psylocke.
"Wolverine is a fucking Mary Sue," the Captain reportedly replied, also wondering "how the fuck Wolverine can be on so many superhero teams at once." With Tennille insisting that Wolverine is simply the best he is as what he does, there was no room for reconciliation, and the pair reportedly decided to call it quits.
The Captain, age 71, and Tennille, age 73, have no children, which, according to the Captain, is a good thing, since "Tennille would probably fucking stab them to death" if they did. At press time, Tennille was reportedly attempting to organize an international manhunt for the Captain, who she says is "a terrorist who refuses to accept responsibility for his actions." We'll keep you updated as this heartbreaking story progresses.