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Guardians of the Galaxy Star Earns WWE Championship Shot in Controversial Royal Rumble Victory

Written by Jude Terror on Monday, January 27 2014 and posted in News with Benefits

Guardians of the Galaxy Star Earns WWE Championship Shot in Controversial Royal Rumble Victory

Dave "Drax the Destroyer" Bautista was the last man standing in the pro wrestling slobberknocker, giving him a main event title match at Wrestlemania.

Guardians of the Galaxy star Dave Bautista, who plays Drax in the upcoming Marvel movie, returned to World Wrestling Entertainment to take part in the 30 man Royal Rumble match last night. Victory is claimed by being the last man left in the ring after all 29 other competitors have been tossed over the top rope, and Bautista, or "Batista" as he is known in the consecutive vowel hating wrestling company, won a long, hard-fought battle after coming to the ring as entrant #28. His victory gives him an automatic title shot at Wrestlemania, the biggest professional wrestling event of the year.

But despite his status as a a bona fide movie star, Baustita didn't receive the cheers from the crowd that the WWE seemed to hope he would. At first, it wasn't clear if the crowd was booing the returning superstar because he was wearing traditional wrestling underpants instead of his trademark skinny jeans, open-chested cardigan, and sunglasses, but it soon became apparent that Baustita was being booed not on his own merits, but because of the fact that Bautista had secured a top spot over another star that fans believe is much more deserving.


With the aid of his extremely tight pants, Bautista is also a celebrated soprano singer.


Of course, we're talking about Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who many Marvel movie fans predicted would get the part of Drax before Bautista was announced for the role. It seems that fans really know how to hold a grudge, as they jeered Bautista, an expected fan favorite, as he posed and gestured at a Wrestlemania sign in the arena after the match. With the crowd reaction so negative, WWE may be forced to change its plans for the Wrestlemania main event, unless, of course, Disney gives in to fan pressure and recasts Gordon-Levitt for the Drax role.

When asked for comment, noted pro wrestling blogger Scott Keith reportedly rated the Royal Rumble two stars and referrenced events that took place in mid-1990s World Championship Wrestling, to the delight of his readership.

In other news, a small, bearded wrestler by the name of Daniel Bryan was defeated by cult leader Bray Wyatt earlier in the night and hasn't been seen since. Experts expect that Bautista will spend the next several months honing his arsenal of six or seven moves in preparation for the Wrestlemania match while simultaneously acting butthurt about the crowd reaction on Twitter.


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About the Author - Jude Terror

Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably. A certified trash eater ruining the pristine field of comics journalism with his sarcasm and goofiness, Jude Terror is secretly friendly and congenial, so if you've got a complaint, why not just bring it up to him instead of subtweeting like a jackass, jackass? You can find him on Twitter or try your luck with an email, but keep in mind that he is notoriously unreliable and may not get back to you right away. Unless you want to send him free stuff, in which case he'll get back to you immediately.

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