President Obama delivered his State of the Union Address to Congress and the American people last night, and as most political analysts expected, he chose to spend a majority of the time discussing one of the most pressing issues facing our nation today: the proliferation of rumors and gossip surrounding upcoming superhero movies.
"In the coming months, let’s see where else we can make progress together," said the president, calling people to take responsibility. "Let’s make this a year of action. That’s what most Americans want – for all of us in this chamber to focus on their lives, their hopes, their aspirations, and most importantly, the integrity of their comic book movie news. And what I believe unites the people of this nation, regardless of race or region or party, young or old, rich or poor, is the simple, profound belief in getting these rumors confirmed by someone officially associated with the production before publishing – the notion that if you read casting news for the upcoming Superman vs. Batman movie, it should be true, goddamn it."
Despite the administration's best efforts, President Obama told members of Congress that, though superhero movies are more popular than ever, the situation was in danger of spiraling out of control. "Today, after four years of economic growth in the superhero movie industry, corporate profits and box office totals have rarely been higher, and Guardians of the Galaxy is going to be fucking sweet. But what do we really know about DC's movieverse? Are they really going to film Superman vs. Batman and Justice League back to back? Does the Justice League movie really exist? We don't really know. You can't even tell what's real anymore."
Looking proud, the president held up his wife as an example. "As usual, our First Lady sets a good example," he boasted. "Michelle doesn't go to Latino-Review, ComicBookMovie, Bleeding Cool, or any of those sites. Maybe, you know, she'll check out Variety once in a while. But that's it! And that has helped bring down the rate at which I think Joseph Gordon-Levitt is going to be cast in a major role in a superhero franchise for the first time in five years – an achievement that will improve lives and reduce the number of times I order a spiteful drone strike on suspected Taliban operatives' because a washed up pro wrestler got the role of Drax the Destroyer instead of JGL."
"He was perfect for that role," the POTUS said, angrily slamming his fists on the podium for emphasis.
After regaining his composure, Obama told the Senate and House of Representatives that the integrity of comic book movie news was intertwined with America's identity. "Reliable Hollywood news is who we are. And the defining project of our generation is to restore that promise."
The president warned that failing to address the problem would be detrimental to our nation's future, saying, "We know that the nation that makes the coolest movies based on comic books today will own the global economy tomorrow. This is an edge America cannot surrender. That's why Congress needs to work together and take action, passing legislation to force websites to put the word 'rumor' in article titles, or maybe add a question mark or three at the end of the headline so that it doesn't sound like's a sure thing that happened. Something like that."
President Obama also warned Americans that they needed to do their part and be less critical of casting choices so that studios aren't so skittish about releasing the real information, which he said led directly to websites making things up to fill the void of unique hits. "Ben Affleck is going to be fine as Batman," he insisted. "And honestly, Daredevil wasn't that bad of a movie."
It's especially unbecoming, the president said, when fanboys are overly critical of the looks of actresses cast as female superheroes. "Seriously, Gal Gadot will be fine as Wonder Woman," said Obama as he snuck a glance behind him to glare at Vice President Joe Biden and Speaker of the House John Boehner. "She's not too skinny, and her boobs are fine. You guys need to chill out with that shit. I never see this level of outrage over a male actor's list."
As a captivated Congress listened intently, Obama told the story of Howard Cantour, a movie critic for the film site OriginalMovieIdeas.com who recently kicked off a wave of internet criticism over the depictions of Wonder Woman's breasts in The Lego Movie, which Cantour claimed resembled "a sticker stuck on a block of plastic." The president heard about this controversy on popular comic book news site The Outhouse, which he told Congress would be a good place to bookmark if they want to "cut through all the bullshit" of the twenty-four hour comics news cycle.
"My fellow Americans, men and women like Howard Cantour remind us that America has never come easy," Obama said, wrapping things up. "Our freedom, our democracy, has never been easy. Sometimes we stumble; we make mistakes; we get frustrated or discouraged. We complain about the actors and actresses that are working to bring our favorite comic book stories to life on the big screen. But for more than two hundred years, we have put those things aside and placed our collective shoulder to the wheel of progress – to create and build and expand the possibilities of individual achievement; to free other nations from tyranny and fear; to promote justice, and fairness, and equality under the law, so that the words set to paper by our founders are made real for every citizen; to make the fucking Avengers movie, the culmination of years worth of planning on the part of Marvel Studios.
"The America we want for our kids – a rising America where superhero movie universes are coherent and interconnected; where the ability to keep franchises fresh with reboots every few years is unhampered by damaging, inaccurate reports about plot points and character redesigns that are really in the early stages and not fair to criticize – none of it is easy. But if we work together; if we summon what is best in us, with our feet planted firmly in today but our eyes cast towards tomorrow – and the possibility of a movie that crosses the X-Men movie universe with the Fantastic Four – I know it’s within our reach.
"God bless you, and God bless the United States of America."
It was a moving speech, and we're feeling extremely patriotic after listening to it. From now on, we swear to hold ourselves to the highest standards of journalistic integrity; to do our best to only report on the most solid, confirmed superhero movie news that... wait, what?
Sorry folks, I gotta cut this article short. I just heard from a guy who knows a guy who knows a girl who knows a guy who has the same accountant as David Goyer, and he told us that Warner Bros. is looking to cast Idris Elba as Aquaman in Superman vs. Batman vs. The Justice League. I've gotta get an article about the top ten reasons this is a terrible choice up before ComicBook.net beats us to it!
Sorry, Mr. President. I tried my best!