As comic book media professionals, we here at TheOuthousers.com have no problem admitting when we're wrong. Yesterday, Outhouse Ace Reporter Elf With a Gun attacked popular tabloid site Bleeding Cool for publishing a top five list as obvious clickbait, rather than the more traditional articles they post as obvious clickbait, such as ones reporting on vague rumors about upcoming Marvel comics plotlines and ones featuring Uncle Rich passive aggressively boasting about having been vaguely right about those rumors six months later. In response, recently-appointed Bleeding Cool Editor in Chief Hannah Means-Shannon published a brilliantly written, passionate and earnest defense of the Top Five format, which you can read here. In the piece, which was itself a Top Five list, Means Shannon argued that Top Five lists are "a staple of pop culture conversation," citing reasons such as "people like them" and claiming that they encourage critical thinking and promote self esteem. She made some great points, and even revealed that The Outhouse has itself published Top Five lists on more than one occasion, which we thought was a pretty low blow, personally.
Still, after carefully considering her words, The Outhouse has decided that Hannah Means-Shannon is one hundred percent right. Top Five lists are awesome, and we want some of those sweet, sweet unique hits for ourselves.
"That's why January 30th shall henceforth be known as Top Five Day on The Outhouse," declared Outhouse Editor in Chief Christian Hoffer in his thick Columbus accent. Hoffer explained that, from now on, not only would The Outhouse embrace the Top Five list as the ultimate form of journalistic expression, but, for the rest of the day, and for all January 30ths from now until the end of time, all articles on the Outhouse will be published in the format of Top Five lists.
For analysis on this stunning development, we spoke to top scientist and Professor of Pop Culture Conversation at the prestigious University of Phoenix, Thaddeus T. Puffinbottoms.
The Top Five Reasons The Outhouse Declared January 30th Top Five Day!!!
"First of all, this is a good thing. I would expect traffic at TheOuthousers.com to rise by at least 5000% throughout the day," Professor Puffinbottoms told us. "Top five articles are irresistible to the internet audience. They have a tendency to be shared repeatedly on social media sites like Facebook and receive thousands of 'likes' despite possessing actually no real value to the reader. It's like a license to print unique hits."
Nobody prints things, anymore, puffinbottoms. It's all digital. We informed him that we needed him to give us his responses in the form of a Top Five list.
"Uh... I wasn't prepared for that," Puffinbottoms stalled.
"Fine. The things I do for science. I guess, um, number one, it's going to increase pageviews," he begrudgingly offered.
1. It's going to increase pageviews.
Puffinbottoms frowned. "Well, I guess, number two, it will bring in new revenue opportunities."
2. It will bring in new revenue opportunities.
"Yes, well, of course more pageviews mean more advertising revenue," Puffinbottoms explained. "But when you also consider that Top Five lists are generally less offensive fare than the Outhouse's usual blend of snarky news reports and fake quotes from bearded comic book writers insinuating they want to have sex with their characters, it could also lead companies that would normally be wary of purchasing ad space on The Outhouse, lest they be savagely mocked in a self-destructive tantrum, to possibly reconsider their stance."
Interesting. What else?
"Spiting Bleeding Cool probably plays a role," he guessed.
3. Spiting Bleeding... wait a minute...
Are you supposed to start with number one and end with five? Shouldn't you, like, start at five, and end at one, like a countdown?
"I've seen it done both ways," Puffinbottoms explained. "There's no agreed upon convention."
4. There's no agreed upon convention.
"No, that wasn't a reason," Puffinbottoms argued. But it was too late. We're not going back and changing it. Top Fives don't work that way.
"All right then," Puffinbottoms agreed, looking visibly annoyed. "I suppose the final reason is..."
5. Pictures of overweight cats.
"Wait, what?" the professor stammered. "No, I was going to say..."
Just go with it, Puffinbottoms.
"This makes total sense," he sighed.
And so, in honor of Top Five Day on The Outhouse, we present the a Youtube video featuring the world's fattest cats, which also happens to be a top five list. A list within a list! Enjoy.
We hope you'll check the site regularly today, as we will be pumping out as many Top Five lists we can come up with, all day long, or at least until our servers are overloaded by the massive influx of hits. Do you have a blog or website of your own? If so, we encourage you to join in and post a Top Five list today. Link to it in the comments below, or send us a link on Twitter @TheOuthousers (or use hashtag #OHTop5Day).