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The Top Five Comics To Burn This Winter

Written by Elf With a Gun on Friday, January 31 2014 and posted in News with Benefits

The Top Five Comics To Burn This Winter

As the Polar Vortex rages on across much of the country, here are our Top Five recommendations for alternative heating.

Source: Bloody Disgusting

Earlier this week, Bloody Disgusting ran a fascinating and candid interview with Hart D. Fisher, who is perhaps best known for Boneyard Press in the 90s. The conversation covers many topics. Among them is the incident in which Capital City Distribution burned 1,200 copies of the Jeffrey Dahmer: An Unauthorized Biography of a Serial Killer graphic novel, rather than shipping them to retailers who had ordered them.

Obviously, since then, there have been dozens of Dahmer biographies in prose, television, film, and other formats. The whole controversy might seem rather silly by today's standards. Here then, are the Top Five comics which, against all the ravages of time, still deserve incineration more than the graphic novel biography of a serial killer did.


5. NFL SuperPro (Marvel Comics)

The early 90s saw the beginnings of an effort to attract other consumer groups to the world of comic book collecting. Sadly, these other groups didn't include women or minorities, but rather, other collectors. Speculating that sports memorabilia collectors might be just a feverish for comic books as they were baseball cards and signed footballs, this era saw a number of sports-related comic books. NFL SuperPro was among the worst. And really, if history has shown us anything, it's that jocks and comic book readers have always mixed well. About the only thing more bone-headed would have been to add NASCAR fans to the mix. 


4. LEGENDS OF NASCAR (Vortex Publications)

See number five.



Think I'm being too mean? I've got three words for you, friend. Motherfucking Clone Saga.

See also: Nu52 The Ravagers, 90s Ghost Rider, and mid-90s X-Factor.  


2. MARVILLE (Marvel Comics)

Okay, look. Yes, Bill Jemas deserves the comic book equivalent of a Medal of Valor for spearheading the ouster of Marvel's then Editor-in-Chief Bob Harras and getting him replaced with Joe Quesada. Let's be honest, Quesada may have all the personality of an eggplant, but having an eggplant oversee your publishing company is still better than the damage that was done by that brain-damaged howler monkey Harras...

Disclaimer: The opinions and commentary of Elf With a Gun do not necessarily reflect those of The Outhouse, its staff, or its advertisers. We apologize to anyone who was offended, including eggplant enthusiasts and mentally-challenged howler monkeys. We now return you to the Top Five list, already in progress. Jemas will always get props for that. He's a shrewd operator and a smart businessman. But is it really necessary to let him try his hand at writing comics, as well? Marville is a fine example of this lunacy, and I could spend five more columns examining it issue by issue. But since we don't have time for that tonight, I'll simply let this Marville panel speak for itself.

No, that's not a What If...? and yes, that's really Iron Man. Could this be where Mark Millar first got the seeds of an idea that would germinate into Civil War?


1. FAME: JUSTIN BIEBER (Bluewater Productions)

Pretty self explanatory, really. If you need an explanation, it will be provided in the forthcoming Top Five Reasons You Should Kill Yourself Right Now.


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About the Author - Elf With a Gun

Elf With a Gun appeared in several Marvel comics of the 70s and 80s, most notably harassing The Defenders and Spider-Man, before being abducted by Steve Gerber for use as a foil against Destroyer Duck. After wandering the wastelands of Forgotten Comic Character Limbo, he hitched a ride on the ThanosCopter and now resides at the Outhouse, bringing his snark, elf hat, pointy shoes, and very big gun to a new generation of comic readers. His Give-A-Fuck quotient is stuck at zero. 

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