Source: Actual Press Release
Chaos erupted in the comics blogosphere yesterday when Marvel Comics sent out a press release for their latest blockbuster super-mega-crossover event, CATACLYSM: THE ULTIMATES' LAST STAND. The press release was so overloaded with hyperbole that anyone who read it was forced to question not only the seriousness of the press release itself, but of every press release Marvel has sent out for the past several years.
"This can't be real," said a shell-shocked Gus Sterlingham, senior fluff article contributor at ComicBooks.Net. "I mean, look at the headline, right off the bat: 'The Ultimate Universe Will Never Be the Same After CATACLYSM: THE ULTIMATES' LAST STAND #5!' How many times can they claim a universe will never be the same again with a straight face? It goes on to refer to the issue as 'the universe shattering conclusion' to the event by 'rock star creators' Brian Bendis and Mark Bagley."
"Holy crap," said Sterlingham, as the look of a man just realizing that he's been living a lie for the past five years and everything he knows is wrong slowly washed over his face. . "They've been fucking with us, haven't they?"
As the press release went on, it only became more and more clear to anyone who read it that this was the culmination of years worth of perfectly executed satire on the part of Marvel's public relations department which was so well done that it went completely unrecognized by anyone until now.
"New York City lays a smoldering ruin," continued the incredibly tongue-in-cheek press release. "Fractured, broken, and dead – the remaining Ultimates stand on the precipice of destruction, consumed by Galactus, the Devourer of Worlds! Galactus’ World Eating machine is complete. With mere minutes left, the heroes of Earth must are out of time and out of options. Sacrifices must be made – and not everyone is coming back. Who lives? Who dies? It’s Galactus vs. The Ultimates – and the winner will shock the Ultimate Universe to its core!"
"After this, nothing will ever be the same again," it added, daring someone, anyone at all, to pick up on the subtle but undeniable sarcasm that seethed within its words.
"My god," gasped Professor of Extremely Long and Complex Practical Jokes at the prestigious University of Phoenix, Thaddeus T. Puffinbottoms. "This changes everything! All of the theories in the field of comic book journalism are built on false assumptions. If Marvel was never serious, the ramifications of that..."
Professor Puffinbottoms immediately began flinging open filing cabinets and rifling through papers. "Yes, yes. Of course! I should have seen it before now. How could anyone read the press releases Marvel sends out every day and fail to see the obvious parody? How could we be so stupid?!"
"We're ruined!" cried Christian Hoffer, editor in chief of satirical comic book website TheOuthousers.com. "We've been mocking Marvel for their absurd rhetoric and marketing gimmicks, but the whole time, they were making fun of themselves."
"We look like fools!" Hoffer mused. "Well played, Marvel. Well played."
As if to gloat over the devastated comic book press, Marvel included several lackluster splash pages "drawn" by Mark Bagley which featured various Ultimate Comics characters being wantonly slaughtered by Galactus. "They look like a child drew them," Professor Puffinbottoms marveled.
The Outhouse attempted to find out whether the ludicrous events described in the press release were actually happening, but we were unable to locate anyone who actually reads the Ultimate Comics Universe.
"Does it even exist?" wondered Gus Sterlingham, reeling.
Here's the press release and images:
The Ultimate Universe Will Never Be the Same After CATACLYSM: THE ULTIMATES' LAST STAND #5!
Marvel is pleased to present your first look at CATACLYSM: THE ULTIMATES’ LAST STAND #5 – the universe shattering conclusion! From rock star creators Brian Michael Bendis and Mark Bagley – New York City lays a smoldering ruin. Fractured, broken, and dead – the remaining Ultimates stand on the precipice of destruction, consumed by Galactus, the Devourer of Worlds! Galactus’ World Eating machine is complete. With mere minutes left, the heroes of Earth must are out of time and out of options. Sacrifices must be made – and not everyone is coming back. Who lives? Who dies? It’s Galactus vs. The Ultimates – and the winner will shock the Ultimate Universe to its core! After this, nothing will ever be the same again. Time is up this February in CATACLYSM: THE ULTIMATES’ LAST STAND #5
CATACLYSM: THE ULTIMATES’ LAST STAND #5 (DEC130727)
Written by BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS
Art & Cover by MARK BAGLEY
Variant Cover by JORGE COHELO
FOC 02/03/14, ON-SALE 02/26/14
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