Shocking shitpeddling rumormongers everywhere, Variety is reporting Jesse Eisenberg will play Lex Luthor in the upcoming Man of Steel: Dark is The Warmest Color movie. Eisenberg had been ruled out by many to play the villain as he has a full head of hair and hasn't shaved his head for a movie role, ever. However, in a press release by WB, Man of Steel director Zach Snyder stated he planned to take Luthor in new directions with Eisenberg. "Having Jesse in the role allows us to explore that interesting dynamic, and also take the character in some new and unexpected directions," said Snyder before unveiling a host of character designs showing Luthor with hair.
Bald people everywhere were outraged at the casting. "It's bad enough that bald men are never considered for leading roles in Hollywood," said bald activist Henry McHairless. "But now they take away our bald villain roles too?" McHairless went on to compare the casting to Idris Elba's casting as Heimdall in the Thor series, and made several questionably racist comments. He vowed to rally the powerful hairless lobby to boycott the film until Luthor was recast.
In other news, Jeremy Irons was announced to play Alfred in the upcoming movie. "It is an honor to have such an amazingly seasoned and gifted actor as Jeremy taking on the important role of the man who mentors and guides the guarded and nearly impervious façade that encapsulates Bruce Wayne," Snyder said, while secretly hoping that Irons doesn't dial in his performance like he did in Beautiful Creatures, Eragon and The Pink Panther 2.
Man of Steel: Forbidden Bromance will come out in theatres whenever Ben Affleck stops breaking his legs.
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