Hundreds Injured As Internet Fanboys Trip Over Themselves to Be the First to Re-Declare They Won't See “Superman/Batman”
Source: ThanosCopter Newswire
Warner Brothers caused chaos and mayhem over the weekend by announcing that little-known actors Jeremy Irons and Jessie Eisenberg have been added to the cast of 2016’s Man of Steel sequel, Man of Steel: Earth Girls Aren't Easy, But Batmen Are.
As thousands of internet posters scrambled to be the first to assert, many for the third time, that they would not see the multi-million dollar “cash-grab” movie, hundreds were trampled, injured and down voted. Hospitals reported a record number of "butthurt" cases, in which fans complained of heartache, high blood pressure and acute rectal pain.
"I was… trying to type… my anger… but I got… so excited that I broke all my fingers mashing the keyboard,” said out-of-breath Facebook poster Bartholomew Schmidt, who missed the Super Bowl as he spent his weekend recovering at the local hospital. While Schmidt was disappointed he missed the marquee football game, he was hopeful that he'd recover in time to rage about the Superman/Batman trailer when it comes out next year.
Executives at Warner Brothers could not be reached due to it being “Money Counting Monday” at their offices and they were thus, quite busy.
DC Comics Co-Publisher Dan Didio did not have this to say: “You can’t blame me for this one! Nope, I had nothing to do w— Wait, they’re pissed about Jeremy Irons? The guy won like 78 Oscars!"
This latest uproar is nothing new for a Fanboy community rife with Superman/Batman scandal, with the recent “Batfleck” and “Wonder Woman’s Tits Aren’t Big Enough” debacles leading many to declare that they would not see the multi-million dollar “cash-grab” movie twice, once for each scandal. Many fans had also declared that they would not be seeing the new movie after watching the first Man of Steel for a third time.
When asked for comment, Superman/Batman director Zach Snyder said “Internet? Wasn’t I champion of that?” causing this reporter to realize he was actually talking to WWE Wrestler Zach Ryder.
Fanboys later rose up to protest the mixing of WWE Jokes and Comic Book Movie jokes in one article, but thankfully no one was hurt.
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About the Author - Jeff Moss
While most kids spend their days dreaming of being firemen or astronauts, Jeff Moss was firmly holed up in his room with a stack of comic books, shying away from natural light. Jeff co-founded No Reason Comics with Dan Simon in 2006 as a way to get all the comic book groupies. Crushed when he found out they didn’t exist, Jeff turned his attention to his second love, radio. Along with Donnie Coulter, he started The Watchtower Comic Book Show. In 2009, Jeff uprooted his life and made the arduous trek to the mythological land of Montreal, where he became the General Manager of The 4th Wall, a new breed of comic shop. Jeff also works as an editor on Gutters, a twice-weekly comic that parodies the entirety of the comic book world. Jeff lives with his Transformers and girlfriend Amy in a house with an office that can best be described as cave-like, and has aspirations to one day create something as wonderful as stuffed-crust pizza.
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