As many of you may know, this past Sunday night was Super Bowl XLVIII (48 for all of you who went to school under No Child Left Behind) that saw the Seattle Seahawks whip the Denver Broncos like a government mule. For our readers who don’t know (i.e. fulfill ever comic book reader stereotype ever,) the Super Bowl is the (American) football game / capitalistic orgy that determines the world champions for the year.
What many people do not know is that after an amazing Pro-Ball (think “all-star” game without any of the players on the best teams) the previous week, the Denver Broncos reached out to DC Comics and requested a team-wide reboot.
“In hindsight, it might not have been the best idea to reboot our team while we were at the top of our game,” stated Pat Bowlen, Owner and Chief Executive Officer of the Denver Broncos. “Rest assured, we are looking into the decision making process that led to our scrapping all continuity regarding a record breaking season for our quarterback, Peyton Manning. Needless to say, someone will be going back to Six Sigma training.”
Broncos’ fans all over the world expressed their outrage over Sunday’s performance:
But, it wasn’t until Outhousers’ ace reporter, DC Frankenstein, stumbled across the truth around 8:30 Sunday night that everything became clear:
This, seemingly innocuous, tweet set off a fire storm of denials, rebuttals, and mockery as other media outlets began to dig deeper into the inconsistencies between what Denver was publishing two weeks ago and Sunday night’s product. But, it wasn’t until a post-game interview with Seattle Seahawk Richard Sherman that everything became clear:
I'm the best corner in the game. When you try me with a sorry reboot like NuDC, that's the result you going to get. LOB!
Fan outrage spread far and spread fast, and early Monday morning, DC Comics’ Co-Publisher, Dan Didio, released a statement defending the reboot. From the statement”
…and although DC Comics does not grant that the New Broncos is a failure based on one game, we are sensitive to the cries from fans who clamor for the return of the “old Broncos.” To that end, DC Comics and The Denver Broncos will work tirelessly to publish a “Secret Origins: Denver Broncos” graphic novel in that should clear up the New Broncos continuity.”
Furthermore, the next time we reboot a football team, we will make sure the intern we out in charge of it knows the difference between American and Other “football.
The Outhouse has learned that it was Vlad Kozinkerov, DC Comics’ Russian intern, who was put in charge of the New Bronco’s reboot. “They tell me ‘Vlad, go make the Denver Broncos the best football team ever', so that is what I do,” Vlad continued, “I still not sure what problem is; they scored eight goals at game, how is that a bad thing?”
Outhouser Editor in Chief, Christian Hoffer, the only member of our staff who still has some credibility, reached out to DC Comics other Co-Publisher, Jim Lee, for clarification:
Christian Hoffer: Mr. Lee, isn’t there something to be said for the fact that after just one game the New Broncos already has continuity issues?
Jim Lee: What you have to understand is that the New Broncos is a long term investment, not something that was going to be perfect right out the cage. Remember the New 52 launch and how Tim Drake was both Robin and never Robin? It’s like that but with a product (football) that is actually profitable.
Hoffer: So, your argument is that you didn’t learn anything from the New 52?”
Lee: Excuse me, it’s time for my weekly massage from Newsarama.
Hoffer: Before you leave, there is a rumor going around that one of the main reasons you chose to help reboot the Broncos is because you are upset that the Seahawks defense is nicknamed “LOB” an obvious reference to DC Comics’ team of villains, the Legion of Doom, from the classic cartoon Challenge of the Super Friends. How accurate are those rumors?
Lee: No, that would be rather petty of us, don’t you think? What have we ever done to imply that we would behave in such an unprofessional and childish manner? We here at DC Comics understand and appreciate all forms of satire, including homages and parody.
Stay tuned to The Outhousers as we update this story as more details become available.