Last week, The Outhouse reported on the Newsaramification of Bleeding Cool, prompting the once great website to fire back with an impassioned defense of Top Five articles written by new Editor in Chief Hannah Means Shannon, prompting The Outhouse to spend an entire day spitefully publishing nothing but Top Five articles in retaliation. Of course, we were only (kinda) joking. But this morning, the once proud website published an article titled "SCOOP: The New Look For John Romita Jr’s Superman – And Confirmation That Geoff Johns Will Be Writing It," in which chief rumormonger Rich Johnston states:
The new DC All Access video will be going live at 10am PT. But Bleeding Cool has been granted a sneak preview.
Wait, what? They've been "granted" a sneak preview? And is that... an EXCLUSIVE image, complete with a watermark stamped in BLOOD (colored pixels)?!
Oh, Bleeding Cool.
There are some traces of the old BC left in the article. For instance, the article contains four links to previous Bleeding Cool articles in a paragraph in which Johnston brags about getting the scoop on the Geoff Johns and John Romita Jr. rumors, as well as some suspect grammar. Could there still be some remnant of the true Rich Johnston buried deep beneath this new facade of corporate shillery? Maybe so, but Johnston also plugs DC's YouTube channel, and teases a contest the company will be running to give away passes to San Diego Comic Con.
Here at The Outhouse, we like to poke fun at Bleeding Cool, but we do it out of love. That's why we've decided to kidnap Rich Johnston, un-brainwash him, and return him to his former status as a shameless gossip hound who doesn't take payola from big comics publishers in the form of exclusive content. So we sent Ace Reporter and decommissioned super villain vehicle ThanosCopter to put Johnston through a rigorous process of corporate decontamination. Johnston is currently recovering in a secret location that The Outhouse will protect from DC agents at all cost until Johnston is back to his old, self-aggrandizing, rumor-mongering self.
ThanosCopter, disguised as a nurse, treats a recovering Rich Johnston.
Let's check in on them and see how they're doing:
ThanosCopter: Now then. Each of the slides needs a reply from one of the people in the picture. You tell me what you think the person would say. Alright?
Rich Johnston: Righty right.
ThanosCopter: [Changes to a slide with two people looking at a peacock] "Isn't the plumage beautiful?"
Johnston: I just say what the other person would say?
Johnston: Isn't the plumage beautiful...
ThanosCopter: Oh yes well don't think about it too long, just say the first thing that pops into your mind.
Johnston: Cabbages, knickers, uh, it's not got a... A BEAK! Bleeding Cool reported on this three months ago!
[Changes to a slide with a women and two boys]
ThanosCopter: "The boy you always quarrelled with is seriously ill."
Johnston: My mind is a blank. Uh, and I'll smash your face for you, yarblockos! You heard it here first!
[Changes slide to a man climbing into a naked woman's bedroom]
ThanosCopter: "What do you want?"
Johnston: Uh, no time for the ol' in-out, love. I've just come to read the meter, like Bleeding Cool said would happen in February of last year!
[Changes slide to a man in a clock store]
ThanosCopter: "You sold me a crummy watch, I want my money back."
Johnston: You know what you can do with that watch? Stick it up your ass! I wuz right I wuz! Before anyone else!
[Changes slide to woman handing bird eggs to a man]
ThanosCopter: "You can do whatever you like with these."
Johnston: Eggyweggs. I would like... to smash them. And pick 'em all up, and THROW-
[moves injured arm]
Johnston: OW! Fucking hell!
ThanosCopter: Well there, that's all there is to it. Are you alright?
Johnston: Hope so. Is that the end then?
Johnston: I was quite enjoying that.
ThanosCopter: Good, I'm glad!
Johnston: How many did I get right?
ThanosCopter: It's not that kind of a test, but you seem well on the way to making a complete recovery!
Thank god for that! Now that that's over with... seriously, what is up with Superman's hairdo?