Source: Marvel Press Release
Obsessive Spider-Man fans expressed their excitement this morning over Marvel's announcement that Nick Lowe would be taking over as editor of the company's Spider-Man books. "I think it's a great move," said Jeremy Ottswallop, a laid off quality control manager from Mansfield, OH. "I'm really excited to blame Lowe personally for everything wrong that happens in my life."
Ottswallop set the world record for "Most Times Quitting a Spider-Man Book" last June, and has since increased that record by quitting an additional 28 times. However, his personal life has also taken an unfortunate turn, with the potato chip quality control manager losing his car, his job and his girlfriend during a six month period, all of which he blames on Marvel and the Spider-Man office. "I drove my car into my office because I was distracted sending an angry text to Stephen Wacker about the latest issue of Superior Spider-Man," the laid off quality control manager explained. "Then my girlfriend dumped me after she discovered that I had been soliciting midget prostitutes online. I tried to explain to her that I only wanted to experience what Peter's body was going through, but she didn't listen to me and reported me to the police instead."
Like many other comic book fans, Ottswallop blames his recent personal misfortune on Marvel, and was upset to learn that former Spider-Man editor Stephen Wacker had left his post for a job in Marvel's animation department. "I was devestated to learn that Wacker was moving across the country to get away from me," he said. "For a couple of weeks, I thought I'd actually have to take responsibility for my actions. So I'm really glad that Marvel hired a replacement."
Other fans expressed similar excitement about the move. "I look forward to blaming Nick Lowe for when I strike out with women," said Don Miller, a hardcore fan of Spider-Man, who has the character's mask tattooed on his face.
"I'm excited to blame Lowe for the poor health of my grandmother," said Rich Warmington, a 33 year old whose grandmother was recently bitten by a spider that Warmington had dropped into her bed in order to embue her with superpowers.
"I blame Nick Lowe for Obamacare!" proclaimed conservative nutjob Scott Allen, who went on to claim that Marvel was using the profits from Superior Spider-Man to fund Obama's illegal presidency.
When asked about what advice he had for the incoming editor, Ottswallop told the Outhouse that Lowe should simply try to be himself. "Honestly, I'm going to blame him for literally everything no matter what he does," the Spider-Man fan said. "Nick Lowe just needs to be himself and accept that I irrationally hate him and hope he dies a fiery death."
Ottswallop then looked up and saw a single snowflake fall from the sky. "I see Lowe has caused it to snow again," he said. "That asshole never stops trying to make my life miserable."
Congratulations to Nick Lowe for his promotion, and we hope you survive the experience!
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About the Author - ThanosCopter
ThanosCopter is a specially designed helicopter built to transport Thanos the Mad Titan. Built by Sterling Custom Helicopters, ThanosCopter appeared in several Marvel comics, before being abandoned by its owner during the character's ascension into major villainy. ThanosCopter was discovered by the Outhouse and given a second chance at life. He now buzzes merrily around the comic book industry, spreading snark, satire and humor like candy to small children.
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