As NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden enjoys a VIP box at the Sochi Olympics, one American company is following in the footsteps of the U.S. Government and collecting personal data from American citizens. That company is Valiant Entertainment, and their perverse intrusion into the private lives of its readers comes in the form of this new teaser asking: "What do you read first?" The revelation that Valiant is spying on its customers comes just one week after digital comics purveyor comiXology revealed that it has been compiling data on French citizens for months. Here's the teaser:
It might seem like "what do you read first?" is a somewhat innocuous question, but according to patriots such as Randy Carp, a forty-two year old shipping clerk from Ashtabula, Ohio, this is just the beginning.
"First they ask about your reading habits," Carp told us via Skype interview from the fully stocked bomb shelter underneath his home. "Next they're recording video of you having sex."
We're not sure that's how it works, actually...
"I just don't believe that Valiant should be collecting videos of its readers most intimate moments, you know?" Carp went on. "What a man likes to do in the privacy of his own bedroom - having sex with his wife, masturbating to pornography, jerking off a bear - is his own business."
Wait, what? Jerking off a bear?
"When the founding fathers wrote the Constitution, they knew that one day Big Government and Big Comics would be coming for the God-given rights of Americans to give hand jobs to bears," Carp explained. "That's why they gave us the right to bear arms."
Yeah, that's not what that means.
"I don't have time to discuss politics with you," Carp told us angrily. "Can't you see I have company?!"
In any case, nobody knows for sure what Valiant's teaser means, but I think we can all agree that allowing comic book publishers to know which books we read first is not only a violation of our Constitutional rights, but also a slippery slope toward a dystopian police state and cruelty to animals. We'll update you as soon as know more about what Valiant has planned for May. Stay vigilant, and well lubricated!