The comics industry suffered a major setback last month when tens of thousands of readers suddenly decided comics were stupid and they were going to stop reading them, resulting in a 7% drop in overall sales and only a single title, Batman, selling more than 90,000 copies. The drop is worrying for major comics publishers, who haven't brought in a new reader since 1992, when now 34 year old Mildred Schultz convinced her mom to buy her the latest issue of Uncanny X-Men while shopping for ointments at the local pharmacy.
"If our current readers stop buying comics, it'll be bad," explained Marvel Editor in Chief Axel Alonso, displaying a rudimentary understanding of business economics which honestly kind of surprised us. "So we don't want that to happen."
Alonso's admission that the industry is heading into a tailspin of self destruction immediately sent shock waves throughout comics fandom, causing more fans to abandon ship in anticipation of the pending crash.
"I'm not going to be the last guy reading comic books," said John Bower, a 600 pound shut-in from Houston TX who, until today, purchased every book published by Marvel and DC each month out of habit. "I haven't liked one in at least five years, but I didn't realize you could just stop buying them."
"This is a real eye-opener for me," Bower continued, telling us that he planned to also stop doing other things that he doesn't enjoy as well, such as playing Call of Doody online multiplayer, reading Gawker Media sites, and eating the initially promising but sadly disappointing and shockingly overpriced Mighty Wings from McDonalds. "I'm not sure what I'm going to do with nothing to complain about on the internet, but it might free up some time to get a job and move out of my parents' basement."
At press time, major executives from both Marvel and DC Comics were spotted running wildly through the streets of New York City and Los Angeles, shouting "Repent! Repent! The end is near!" while setting fire to foil-embossed collectible 3D variant covers in hopes of appeasing the sales gods again before it's too late. Only time will tell if this marks the end of the comics industry as we know it, but just to be safe, you should probably dump all your back issues now and start following hockey instead, just to be safe.
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