43 year old Douglas Shea of Little Rock, Arkansas was looking forward to spending Valentines Day with his girlfriend of eight months, Rebecca Wilson. That is, he was until fate threw an unexpected kink into his amorous plans. Earlier this week over dinner, Shea let slip to Wilson that he preferred the Marvel Comics superhero Wolverine when compared to fellow mutant Cyclops. The two fictional characters have led opposing factions of the popular superhero team The X-Men since a 2011 comic book crossover storyline called Schism, and a heated rivalry has developed between fans of the two characters since then. Wilson, for the record, prefers Cyclops.
"You think you know somebody," a teary-eyed and clearly shaken Wilson told The Outhouse. "I mean, I spent eight months with this person. All that time, he believed that Wolverine has some kind of moral high ground over Cyclops? All that time, I was sharing my bed with a man who thinks Wolverine is fit to be the headmaster of a school for mutants?"
"Wolverine, a character who is a berserker killing machine?" Wilson went on. "Who killed his own children? Oh god - Doug probably believes that Wolverine should end up sleeping with the teenage, time-displaced version of Jean Grey currently existing in the X-Men's fictional universe!"
According to reports from neighbors, Wilson stormed out of the apartment she has shared with Shea for the past five months sometime around 7:30 PM Tuesday night. She was reportedly shouting something about a "stupid hairy Canuck," which could be a racial slur related to Wolverine's Canadian heritage. Shea says that he hasn't seen Wilson since, though she informed him via text message that she would like her sister to swing by next week and pick up her belongings. Wilson also reiterated an earlier belief that Cyclops was under the influence of a bird-themed cosmic death god when he killed his mentor, Professor Charles Xavier, at the end of Marvel's 2012 crossover event Avengers vs X-Men.
"I don't think we're going to patch this up," Shea moaned, sounding extremely depressed. "She told me Wolverine is basically a Mary Sue for fanboy writers like Jason Aaron. Some wounds cut too deep, you know? I guess I'm spending Valentines Day alone this year. I could call my kids, but Wally's at college out of state and Donna hasn't spoken to me since my divorce last year. It was a rough time."
"I was finally starting to feel like a person again with Becky in my life," Shea mused. "But that's all over now."
Shea's ex-wife Natalie could not be reached for comment, but her sister Beulah told us that Shea was "getting what he deserved," adding that Natalie was always too good for him. Indeed, as of this report, it seems like the differences between Shea and Wilson are irreconcilable, and their relationship is at an end. But it didn't have to be this way.
At one point late Wednesday night, it seemed like a breakthrough might be possible. Wilson sent a request for advice to All-New X-Men scribe "The Great One" Brian Bendis via Twitter, and words of encouragement from the bald writer might have turned things around. Unfortunately, rather than take the opportunity to mend the broken hearts of two longtime fans, Bendis opted to save the question to be answered in the next edition of his Powers letter column, due out sometime in 2016.
"I'll have moved on by then," Wilson guessed, though we're not sure whether she was referring to her relationship with Shea or her interest in the perennially late superhero procedural comic.
Coincidentally, this is not the first time comic books have led to romantic ruin for Douglas Shea. He was in the news around this time last year when he divorced his wife of eighteen years for giving him a DC Comics brand Valentines Day card featuring the Barbara Gordon version of Batgirl instead of Stephanie Brown. It's also not the first time the X-Men Schism has caused a breakup, as the comic storyline is also suspected to be responsible for the breakup of popular musical act The Captain and Tennille last month.
In light of this tragic story, The Outhouse reminds you all to appreciate your significant other today, preferably with rampant consumerism and tiny candy hearts with sentiments like "Be Mine" printed on them. Happy Valentines Day!