Bleeding Cool reporter and possible Brendon Conelly sock puppet Dan Wickline reported yesterday that Captain America will be the Grand Marshal at the Daytona 500, an annual event in the sport of Nascar wherein rednecks drive loud cars around in circles over and over. This is similar to the regular redneck pastime called cruisin', except that the drivers are trained professionals and the event doesn't take place in a Walmart parking lot on Saturday night. But while you might think the prospect of having a popular superhero kick off the race would be exciting, you're dead wrong. It's absolutely terrifying.
"I was gunna bring mah kids to this," explained one Nascar fan at a local event. "But what if them science yahoos with Advanced Idea Mechanics come lookin' to start some trouble with ol' Cap or debate the validity of the theory of evolution? It just ain't safe."
"Look out!" the fan cried, shoving us to the floor as a car careened off the track, flinging flaming metal and rubber into the audience, which missed us by a few inches. "As I was sayin', Nascar is supposed to be fun family entertainment, not a flaming death trap."
We spoke to the driver of the the wrecked vehicle as he was being carried to an ambulance on a stretcher. "The safety of the fans and the drivers is of the utmost importance in Nascar," he explained as first responders gathered bits of his burnt off skin into a cooler in the event doctors are able to reattach it at the hospital. "That shouldn't be compromised by the presence of an Avenger and all the dangerous elements they attract, all those supervillains looking to get revenge for some past defeat."
The driver cited as evidence that superheroes are too dangerous to host public events recent incidents such as the recent New Years Eve celebration in which Spider-Man showed up in Times Square for the ball dropping ceremony, prompting several of his arch enemies to mount a surprise assault, killing thousands of bystanders and causing millions of dollars worth of property damage, as well as a similarly disastrous Spider-Man themed day in 2012.
"Nascar is taking the necessary measures to ensure the safety of our fans and employees at the Daytona 500," promised Nascar CEO BIlly Ray Cyrus. "The Hatemonger showed up at a race at the Charlotte Motor Speedway in 2010, but I'm proud to say that his racism-inciting mind control had absolutely no effect on any of the attendees."
Cyrus then politely asked The Outhouse not to break his heart, his achy breaky heart. The Daytona 500 takes place February 23. We'll update you on any damage or casualties after the event.