EXCLUSIVE news stories go hand in hand with comics journalism like beating jokes into the ground and The Outhouse, but a recent uptick in the number of articles marked as EXCLUSIVE has sparked concern among some industry analysts that the whole thing could be spiraling out of control. According to some projections, the entire comics blogosphere could soon be overtaken by EXCLUSIVE articles, making it difficult to tell which articles are more important because they will all contain the word EXCLUSIVE in the headline. In addition, some fear the situation could quickly escalate into an EXCLUSIVE Cold War, calling to mind memories of the 1950s and 1960s, when the United States and the Soviet Union engaged in a battle to see who could EXCLUSIVELY destroy the world with nuclear holocaust first, except this is even more serious.
While EXCLUSIVES have been a problem for some time, it reached new levels of ridiculousness earlier this morning when popular website Newsarama began publishing various "EXCLUSIVE" solicitations from comics publishers, including one for DC's Future's End #1, absurdly claiming that the right to view the sales blurb for comics available for purchase in April is some kind of sacred honor that proves a website has a larger proverbial dick than other websites. Competitor Comic Book Resources returned fire with an exclusive reveal of a variant cover for All-New X-Men #27 by Alex Ross, prompting Comics Alliance to publish two EXCLUSIVE Jamie McKelvie covers for The Wicked and The Divine. To show the respect we hold for these exclusives, we're reposting all of the covers at the bottom of this article.
Other websites quickly followed suit, with Bleeding Cool announcing an EXCLUSIVE on vaguely worded potential spoilers for Marvel and DC Comics as well as congratulatory follow-up articles bragging about being right about said spoilers and The Beat's Steve Morris nailing an EXCLUSIVE deal for passive aggressively chiding Outhouse Editor in Chief Christian Hoffer on Twitter for The Outhouse's lack of enough satirical articles mentioning Steve Morris.
Soon after, CBR announced EXCLUSIVE deals to publish the tweets of several high profile Marvel and DC writers and artists, making CBR the only place to go on the web for or links to Brian Bendis's personal Tumblr and breakfast-cereal based puns from popular artist Sean Murphy. However, Newsarama quickly returned fire by acquiring the rights to EXCLUSIVELY publish the responses to those tweets from fellow Marvel Comics writer Jonathan Hickman, ensuring that only by filling Newsarama's unique hits coffers can fans find out that Hickman would like to know who drew the cover for the new Cyclops ongoing, or that he thinks Declan Shalvie did "a nice job" on Moon Knight.
"Booyah! In your face!" shouted Newsarama mogul Lucas Siegel, reportedly, after going public with the news. CBR chief Jonah Weiland declined to comment, though sources inside the comics news giant tell us that Weiland had several of CBR's forum moderators given twenty lashes with a bull whip to appease his anger.
For most fans, the EXCLUSIVE tag is quickly losing meaning, requiring more and more EXCLUSIVE articles to be published for the same return value. "It used to be that when I saw that CBR had an exclusive interview with a Marvel or DC creator, I knew that CBR was a superior website because they had a symbiotic working relationship with the corporations they're reporting on," explained one comic news reader. "But now, I don't know who to trust? Does Marvel prefer that I read all my Marvel-approved Marvel news from CBR, or Newsarama? It's just so confusing!"
While the world teeters on the brink of destruction, at least one expert is speaking up about the damaging effects of this growing conflict.
"We've not yet passed the point of no return, but we're getting there," revealed Professor of Journalism Trends that will Destroy the Comics Industry at the prestigious DeVry University, Thaddeus T. Puffinbottoms. "I'd say we're at about five minutes to midnight."
Puffinbottoms then EXCLUSIVELY revealed his EXCLUSIVE Doomsday Clock, showing how close the comics media is to total implosion and the destruction of the blogosphere as we know it.
At press time, none of the various EXCLUSIVES published today meant anything at all because they were all immediately reported on by every other site on the internet, rendering their EXCLUSIVITY null and void. Stay tuned to The Outhouse for EXCLUSIVE updates on this EXCLUSIVE story.