Pro wrestling powerhouse World Wrestling Entertainment's exclusive negotiating window with NBCUniversal ended today without the two companies forming an agreement to air WWE's Raw and Smackdown! television programs. WWE released a statement announcing its intentions to look elsewhere for a deal, somewhat passive-aggressively adding, "We look forward to engaging with potential partners who recognize the value of having the #1 show on cable and live content delivered 52 weeks a year." According to our sources, the reason NBC declined to sign a new deal with WWE is not a higher than usual asking price based on Raw's long-running status as the number one rated cable TV show, like many "dirt sheets" - the pro wrestling equivalent of Bleeding Cool - are predicting. Instead, The Outhouse can exclusively reveal that NBC will not renew their contract with WWE because they just found out that pro wrestling is fake.
"This is an outrage!" cried NBCUniversal CEO Stephen Burke. "Since 2005, we've been airing what we thought was a respectable sporting competition, and all this time, the matches have been fixed?! Everything I thought I knew about pro wrestling is wrong!"
Looking back, Burke admitted that he probably should have noticed something was amiss when a midget in a bull costume single-handedly defeated two trained grapplers in a handicap match several months ago, but it wasn't until a recent storyline in which several fat, bearded rednecks brainwashed popular wrestler Daniel Bryan and forced him to join their anarchist cult that Burke first became suspicious.
"At that point, you know, management should have stepped in," Burke explained. "We had some Satan worshippers recruiting nubile interns from the marketing department for some midnight sex orgies here at NBC last year, and we put a stop to that real quick."
"Like, within a month or two," he added.
Rather than intervening, documenting the unprofessional conduct of the Wyatt Family, and sending Daniel Bryan off for some much needed counseling, WWE Director of Operations Kane instead assaulted Bryan multiple times while Bryan was competing in high profile matches. It was at that point that Burke and his staff began to suspect that the wrestling competition wasn't all it seemed to be.
"We started looking into things, and we found a lot of red flags," Burke continued. "For instance, the referees are all incompetent, feuding wrestlers regularly engage in unlawful behavior toward their opponents that would result in legal charges in any other industry, and, according to multiple scientists we spoke to, there is no known law of physics that would cause a wrestler to continue running back and forth after being Irish Whipped into the ropes."
Clearly, things were as bad as Burke feared.
"We were forced to accept that the pro wrestling industry has been running a long con on the American public for the better part of sixty years," Burke concluded, shaking his head disapprovingly.
Wrestling fans don't need to be worried yet. WWE's TV deal ends in October, and most "smarks" - the pro wrestling equivalent of fanboys - believe that WWE will work things out with NBC long before then, especially if their upcoming WWE Network launch is a big success.
"There's a lot of heat backstage on NBC, but I wouldn't mark out about this or anything," advised Dave Meltzer, the Rich Johnston of pro wrestling, speaking almost entirely in antiquated carny terms that identify him as nerdy wrestling business insider and lifelong virgin. "NBC is playing the heel right now, but WWE has a fantastic workrate at the negotiating table, so I'm sure they'll be put on a five star match and blow off this feud so they can pop a buyrate and bury this story once an for all."
But not everyone in the pro wrestling blogosphere is so optimistic. Asked for comment, legendary wrestling blogger Scott Keith reportedly provided a blow by blow recap of 1987 World Championship Wrestling pay per view event The Great American Bash, noting that he "wish[ed] they'd have included a better Flair title match, but it was slim pickings until Lex Luger turned face. [...] Very recommended."
We're not sure what that has to do with anything, but we're assuming it's very, very bad.
Stay tuned to The Outhouse for the inside scoop on all of wrestling's hot stories, such as who offended WWE management by not wearing the correct color tie while shaking hands with The Undertaker and what flavor of his famous barbeque sauce former announcer Jim Ross recommends for pairing with baby back ribs.
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