Brand new number one issue reboots are a staple of Big Two comics, and one that Marvel Comics has exploited to great effect since the start of Marvel NOW!, an ongoing promotion wherein all of Marvel's books are rebooted every couple of months with a new numbering system, new creative team, and shiny new adjective in the title. But for at least one top-ranking Marvel executive, this reboot fever may be doing more harm than good.
In an attempt to prove that reboots make everything better, Marvel Editor in Chief Axel Alonso has been rebooting everything in his personal life: cars, place of residence, friends and acquaintances, wardrobe, hairstyle, and even sexual identity. Alonso has reportedly blown through all fifty gender identification options on Facebook in a matter of weeks and started creating new ones, and has reportedly been sending office memos asking Marvel staff if they think names like Amazing Gender Agnostic or Uncanny Tranny are offensive (we're not sure ourselves). The lifestyle is taking a toll on Alonso, but he's too proud to admit it, according to the reports of some of his senior staff.
"He comes in to work every day with a new car," explained Marvel editor Sana Amanat. "Every morning, he's like, 'hey guys, check out my All-New Buick Regal,' or 'look at my Superior Toyota Highlander.' The dude is fucking nuts. He must be losing so much money trading in his car every day."
According to reports, Alonso is over six hundred thousand dollars in debt. We spoke to the hardcore Editor in Chief in the alleyway behind Marvel's manhattan headquarters, where he was huddled underneath a pile of urine-soaked newspapers, for more info.
"I'm doing great!" rasped the smelly Alonso, who was eating beans from a can cooked over a rubber tire trash can fire. "Reboots are always good. Look, I've got everything I need right here in my cardboard box, and it's all fresh and new and exciting."
Alonso showed us two gallon plastic water jugs labeled "#1 and "#1.1" he uses for a bathroom, several ominously stained overcoats, and a picked-clean fish skeleton which the proud executive told us he won in a midnight brawl from a particularly feisty stray tomcat. He pulled up his shirt to show us several long, possibly infected claw marks on his abdomen, scars from the fight. "You should see the other guy," Alonso insisted.
At press time, Alonso was reportedly reinventing himself again, this time by undergoing drastic body modification surgery that will turn him into a black woman. "I felt we needed more diversity this time around," Alonso was heard to say right before going under anesthesia. The Outhouse will keep you updated on this developing situation, but we've got to cut this short right now because a bunch of press releases just came in announcing a slew of All-New All-New Marvel NOW! reboots for later this year.