FLAGSTAFF, AZ – Much has been said this past week regarding the victory of religious freedom over secular rights in Arizona. For those of you who do not know (via CNN):
Arizona's Legislature has passed a controversial bill that would allow business owners, as long as they assert their religious beliefs, to deny service to gay and lesbian customers.
Although it is, as of yet, unknown if Arizona governor Jan Brewer will sign the law, but there is strong evidence that she will. Again, from CNN:
"I think anybody that owns a business can choose who they work with or who they don't work with," Brewer told CNN in Washington on Friday. "But I don't know that it needs to be statutory. In my life and in my businesses, if I don't want to do business or if I don't want to deal with a particular company or person or whatever, I'm not interested. That's America. That's freedom."
The bill, SB 1062, is being hailed as the only justifiable reaction to the degradation of religious freedom in this county by allowing people to choose who they will and will not serve, do business with, treat medically, allow into their schools, or treat like a decent human being. In short; fuck the gays (no homo.)
Today, in a surprising move, mutant rights’ leader Fabian Cortez came out in favor of SB 1062, stating that “It is the belief of The Acolytes and any other right minded mutant that flatscans (non-mutants) are beneath us and should not be treated the same as the master species. As the spiritual leader of The Acolytes, Magneto, taught us; it is due to divine intervention that we were born mutants and that it is our responsibility to remake this world in our image.” Cortez continued:
As we witness hostility towards people of better genetic material like never before, we must take this opportunity to speak up for religious liberty….The great news is that SB 1062 protects your right to live and work according to your faith.
The Acolytes’ press secretary, Exodus, gave The Outhousers an exclusive look into the group’s plans.
It is quite simple, our god given powers prove that we are the true inheritors of the planet, and it is time that legislation finally caught up to this fact. Due to our supreme abilities such as control over weather, post human strength, healing, and disproportionate percentage of red heads, there is absolutely no business we would no excel at. Up till now we refrained from opening such businesses because the government would force us to treat everyone as if they were equal under the law, and not discarded evolutionary mistakes.
“As of right now, “ Exodus continued, “We have a number of mutants from all sects interested in moving to Arizona in order to set up shop in a state where they can finally be honest about their beliefs.”
There are some surprises on the list of mutants Exodus provided the outhouse, number one of which would have to be Ororo Munroe (aka Storm of the X-Men.) When reached for comment, Ms. Munroe only had this to say:
I don’t have anything against humans; some of my best friends are humans, I just don’t think that it is proper for mutants to have to treat them as if they were equals. It’s ok if they entertain us or work in appropriate service industries, but for us to have to interact with them as if they are not a failure of nature is not right. This is America, and I should have the right to grow food and sell food to those I choose.
Many people forget that I was worshipped as a goddess in my native land of Africa because I brought rain to an arid climate. I will do the same in Arizona with the only difference being now I don’t have to give any of the food to humans.
Professor of Comic Book Economics (Ecomics) at the Prestigious University of Phoenix, Thaddeus T. Puffinbottoms., did some quick calculations and concluded that within 3 months, mutants would be the dominant force of the Arizona economy:
What people need to realize is that mutants, when organized correctly, have little to no overhead costs. Just off the top of my head there are mutants with the ability to plow at great speeds, heal the sick with just a touch, and transport across long distances at a blink (see what I did there?) just to name a few. With these powers there is literally no task mutants cannot do faster, cheaper, and better than flatscans.
Professor Puffinbottoms went on to argue that with the exclusion of humans from mutant economic responsibilities, there would be two distinct economies in Arizona: cheap and reliable mutant products and other. “Think about it. With Storm manipulating the local weather in order to grow crops to sell at market and speedsters to harvest crops, mutants won’t need to pay illegal immigrants to do the work Arizonians won’t do.” Puffinbottoms continued, “As the mutants take over more and more products will be very inexpensive or free to mutants. Forge won’t have to charge $1,500 for the new television he just created."
“It will be amazing,” Cortez stated when we caught back up with him, “just imagine it; we move into a small city, open up all of our business, run the other stores out of business, then stop serving flatscans. They will have to leave, since there will be no doctor, grocery store, or any other service provider left to serve the genetic rejects.”
Graydon Creed, leader of the human rights group Friends of Humanity, pointed to this very situation as to why SB 1062 should not be signed into law: “The fact that there was only one doctor, one pharmacist, one grocer, etc. and all of them refusing to serve African-Americans was one of the catalysts for the Civil Rights movement in the 1950s and 60s. By allowing this situation to return, with humans on the outside, is unfathomable and un constitutional.”
In response to Creed’s concerns, X-Man, and former Canadian, Northstar had this to say:
The difference between now and then is that with the election of Barack Obama America became a post-race society where the playing field has been leveled. Therefore by returning the American right of self-rule to the citizenry and their businesses Arizona has given previously disenfranchised groups the same rights to refuse service whites in the South enjoyed for so many years.
As of press time, Governor Jan Brewer had not yet responded to interview requests. Stay tuned to The Outhouse for more developments as they occur.