Panic swept across the alternative financial market this morning when the mainstream media began reporting on the closure of Mt. Gox, a prominent bitcoin trading site which lost nearly $400 million in bitcoins for its customers. It looks like Mt.Gox CEO Mark Karpeles has disappeared, leaving customers helpless to recoup their losses and causing CNN to report that bitcoin's "future is in doubt" and the LA Times to say that the Mt. Gox closure "threatens the bitcoin economy." As a result, industry analysts, through the use of advanced hindsight techniques, are declaring that people should have invested in comic books instead.
"I have one hundred and forty-seven copies of 1991's X-Men #1 from Jim Lee and Chris Claremont," boasted one prominent comic book speculator, who said he hopes to put his kids through college using his comic book speculation profits before they retire. "Though they're collectively worth about six dollars, that's still six dollars more than the people who invested in Bitcoin have for their troubles."
The comic book speculation boom in the 1990s nearly destroyed the comic book industry. By attracting speculators to purchase "collectible" number one issues and foil embossed variant covers, the comic book industry shamelessly exploited gullible customers, knowing full well that these new comics, printed in the order of millions and stored in hermetically sealed polybags, would never measure up to the value of Golden Age comics, which were valuable because of their scarcity. This short-sighted greed created a bubble which nearly drove Marvel out of business, and which the industry still hasn't really recovered from. Even so, most experts agree that it was still smarter than investing in bitcoin.
"Never spend money on something you can't grasp with your own hands," said famed speculator and crazed coot One Tooth Willy. "Even I know that, and I spent my inheritance on 7,000 copies of Youngblood #1 and an old gold mine in Idaho."
Even some of the biggest offenders in the production of highly speculative comics in the 1990s are getting in on the action.
"My heart goes out to those affected by Mt. Gox's closure," said Rob Liefeld in a prepared statement. "In light of this recent news, I've offered up my sizable stash of Heroes Reborn as an alternate alternate currency to Bitcoins. The current exchange rate is $0.0001/HRbrn, but it's expected to go up dramatically in the near future. Get in now on this new currency before it's too late!"
In the wake of the Bitcoin crash, the comic book speculating market is actually experiencing another boom. At comic shops all over the world, the bargain area known as "the 25 cent bin" has been renamed "the 35 cent bin" as shop owners hope to make a little profit off of all the purchases of discarded 1990s comics, most of which are still in their original polybags with hologram trading cards. In addition, a new online comic trading site, Mt. Comix, has started up under the leadership of an anonymous trader known only as "Mt.Gox CEO Mark Karpeles in a fake mustache and sunglasses." That seems totally legit, and we see no reason not to jump on board right away.
But if you're not interested in old comics, there are some companies who are still producing nineties style comics, with lots of cheap gimmickry and no literary or entertainment value, today.
"You all made fun of us when we took a loss in both profit and customer goodwill with the Villains Month 3Dnado fiasco," gloated DC Comics mogul Dan Didio. "But anyone who owns a copy of Joker's Daughter #1 can purchase all the bitcoin in the world and still have enough money left over for a Frappucino from Starbucks. Who's laughing now?"
"It's me," Didio added, clearing up any ambiguity. "Ha ha ha ha ha."
Stay tuned to The Outhouse for updates on this crisis, and if you're interested in buying a set of all five X-Men #1 covers, shoot us an email. We'll give you a great price, but you gotta pay in cash. We do not accept bitcoin. We're not foolish!
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About the Author - ThanosCopter
ThanosCopter is a specially designed helicopter built to transport Thanos the Mad Titan. Built by Sterling Custom Helicopters, ThanosCopter appeared in several Marvel comics, before being abandoned by its owner during the character's ascension into major villainy. ThanosCopter was discovered by the Outhouse and given a second chance at life. He now buzzes merrily around the comic book industry, spreading snark, satire and humor like candy to small children.
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