Several Marvel employees were injured this morning after the company announced a new Rocket Racoon series written and drawn by Skottie Young. While the news was well-received by fans, several employees thought they were too jubilant after they began spontaneously throwing money and valuables at the company, hoping to get their hands on the book sooner.
"It was awful," said a visibly shaken Joe Quesada, one of his eyes swollen shut. "People just stormed our offices, tossing cash at anyone they could find. Someone threw a gold bar at my head while screaming 'Take my money, goddamnit! Take it all!"
Skottie Young was nearly mobbed by the rioting fans, but he was carried out of the building by Tom Brevoort before he was overwhelmed. Brevoort collapsed from exhaustion after going back in to save editor Sana Amanat, and was taken the hospital to extract several dollar coins from his beard. There's been no word on whether the beard would have to be amputated, but doctors are cautiously optimistic.
Among the worst injured was junior intern Vlad Kozinkerov, whose face and body was covered with bruises. "They tell me, 'Vlad, go save Axel Alonso," Vlad said. "So that is what I do." Vlad reportedly rescued the editor in chief armed only with a butter knife and his superior photoshop skills. "Things were fine until one of protestors stab me with a jewel encrusted knife," the intern said. He turned to show the knife still embedded in his arm. "I plan on using knife to pay for medical bills. Marvel's medical insurance doesn't cover stab wounds. Insurance company say it happens too often around office."
The Marvel offices were severely damaged during the riot, with windows shattered, cubicles trampled, and millions of dollars in cash and valuables strewn across the floor. A Marvel representative said it would take days to clean, and that repairs would be paid for by the cash left scattered through the offices. It is not expected that the riot will effect Rocket Racoon #1's release in July.
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ThanosCopter is a specially designed helicopter built to transport Thanos the Mad Titan. Built by Sterling Custom Helicopters, ThanosCopter appeared in several Marvel comics, before being abandoned by its owner during the character's ascension into major villainy. ThanosCopter was discovered by the Outhouse and given a second chance at life. He now buzzes merrily around the comic book industry, spreading snark, satire and humor like candy to small children.
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