Marvel's office staff was shaken today after a bear was spotted entering the office, forcing several staff members to subdue the creature until animal control arrived. The incident began at 7:42 AM this morning when security staff spotted the animal entering Marvel offices dripping wet. Security guards confronted the bear but decided not to engage. "This bear enters the building all covered in mud from its ears to its Converse shoes," said Marvel security guard John Zappitelli. "He sort of growled at us and then waved his paws. I took one look at it and decided that I wasn't getting paid enough, so I gave him a visitor pass and directed him to the elevators."
The bear was next seen in the Marvel offices, rummaging through the office kitchenette and climbing on the counters. "It looked like he was looking for food," said Marvel editor Tom Brevoort. "Or maybe a cup or something. Anyone who knows anything about Marvel knows that we don't believe in luxuries like cups or spare food, so we knew that it had to be a wild bear. I've heard that bear sightings were growing more common in the city, but this was the first time that anyone of had seen one this close. It was quite scary."
Brevoort did what any sane senior staff member would do: call an intern to handle the problem. "They tell me, 'Vlad, go handle bear,'" said unpaid junior intern Vlad Kozinkerkov. "So that is what I do. In homeland, favorite television show was Putin Wrestles Bear, so I was prepared." Kozinkerkov confronted the bear in the kitchenette and placed it in the fearsome Leningrad Leglock, while constricting his arms with the Hammer and Sickle Hold. "The entire time, bear was growling but put up very little fight," said Kozinkerkov with a shrug. "I thought it was just typical American bear, all weak and flabby from capitalism."
While Kozinkerkov wrestled the bear, Brevoort obtained a tranquilizer gun from his office and ran back to the kitchenette, putting two darts in the bear's neck. "I couldn't find any bear tranquilizer," explained Brevoort. "But I had some handy horse tranquilizer that I use when we have our creative summits. Sure enough, that did the trick."
Brevoort and Kozinkerkov's triumph over the bear was short lived when animal control arrived and explained that the bear was actually Dan Slott, writer of Superior Spider-Man and Silver Surfer. Animal control theorized that the writer had become covered in mud after getting splashed by a passing car on his way to the office. They also theorized that the writer's mouth was gummed up by peanut butter after discovering a half-eaten peanut butter bagel near his unconcious body. "That explain why bear call out 'I'll never eat peanut butter again,'" admitted Kozinkerkov. "I thought that it was just typical American bear death cry. Who knew?"
As Brevoort poked Slott's unconcious body with a stick, he sighed heavily. "I kept telling Slott that his beard would get him into trouble," the editor said. "When he wakes up, I'm just going to have to blame this on Nick Lowe."
When asked if he was concerned about the writer jumping ship to DC after being attacked and tranquilized in the office, Brevoort laughed. "Are you kidding?" he said. "I've heard horror stories about what they do to the writers over there. Between the script rewrites and constant editorial interference, most writers I know would rather take two horse tranquilizers to the jugular." As Slott started to wake up, Brevoort pointed his tranquilizer gun at the writer. "Make that three horse tranquilizers," the editor said, firing the gun.
Brevoort shrugged his shoulders. "I like shooting the creators with tranquilizers," he explained. "It's cathartic."