The internet has been chronicling the declining ratings of Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. since before the show aired its first episode, but no one could have foreseen this week's disastrous 1.16 million viewer drop to a total of 5.86 million viewers and a 1.8 share in the 18-49 demographic. The drop makes this week's rating the lowest in the history of the show, and has led to ABC executives deciding to not just cancel, but double cancel the series.
"At this point, just canceling the show wouldn't be good enough," explained Disney/ABC Television Group President Anne Sweeney. "We're going to have double cancel it."
Double cancelation is a rarely used punishment in the entertainment industry in which not only is a show taken off the air, but everyone involved in the production is tried in a special courtmartial and often sentenced to death for their crimes. All of the master copies of the show are then burned in effigy, ensuring that they will never been seen again.
"We don't want to do it, but we have no other choice," Sweeney insisted. She also expressed shock and surprise that a guest appearance from megastar Bill Paxton didn't boost the ratings. "Who could have foreseen that the star of such films as Independence Day and... Independence Day would fail to draw in viewers in 2014?"
Sweeney then opened up the window in her 86th floor office and jumped out, plummeting to her doom rather than face the dreaded double cancelation. "Tell the viewers that the blue guy is ..." she yelled as she fell, though we were unable to make out her final words.
At press time, executive producer Joss Whedon was reportedly seen fleeing the country. He is expected to end up in Russia where he will be used as a tool to oppress the people of the Ukraine by creating popular television shows that get canceled in a single season, leaving viewers unsatisfied and disgruntled. President Obama offered a strong rebuke to Vladimir Putin in response, but Putin merely laughed at the President from horseback and called him a firebrony, a derogatory term used to describe fans of another canceled Whedon show, Firefly.
Stay tuned to The Outhouse for updates on this tragic story.