Controversy occurred backstage at the Oscars last weekend, resulting in a planned segment involving Amazing Spider-Man actor Andrew Garfield and cancer-surviving Make-a-Wish Foundation star Batkid being cut at the last minute when Garfield threw a tantrum and walked off, according to reports from the New York Post. Garfield's shameful behavior came allegedly out of jealousy after the wimpy actor failed to measure up to Batkid in every way possible, even stealing Garfield's girlfriend, fellow Amazing Spider-Man actress Emma Stone.
"Batkid is just more mature than Andrew," explained Stone. "More sophisticated, you know? I feel like I can really have a conversation with him."
Asked whether she and Batkid might be thinking of tying the knot, Stone played things coy. "We're taking things slow right now. In thirteen years, who knows? Eight years if we move to Ohio."
The last straw allegedly came when Batkid walked into the dress rehearsal with unkempt, messy hair, a style that Garfield had tried and failed for years to perfect. "I'm the guy with messy hair!" Garfield screamed. "That's my thing! You can't take that from me!"
He rushed at Batkid, but Batkid reportedly knocked him out with a well-placed blow to the chin. "One punch!" exclaimed Ted Kord, a business executive who attended the event.
After the public humiliation, Garfield reportedly refused to participate in the planned segment at the Oscars, leaving Batkid and his family high and dry, as Captain America star Chris Evans was called in to replace Garfield as a presenter at the show. Sony is reportedly considering their options from the fallout, which includes radically re-writing the ending of Amazing Spider-Man 2 so that Peter Parker dies instead of Gwen Stacy, and is replaced by Miles Morales, who will be played by either Batkid or Michael B. Jordan.
"We might be able to get away with turning a black character into a white one if he's played by Batkid," an unnamed Sony executive said. "Maybe..."
In an online poll conducted last night, over 80% of respondents said they would find Batkid more believable than Garfield as a superhero, while 99% agreed that Garfield is a complete jackass.
"Andrew Garfield is a fine actor and a great man, and he could totally kick Batkid’s ass,“ said the remaining 1% of respondents, Andrew Garfield, but we’re pretty sure even he didn’t believe it.