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Andrew Garfield Storms Out of Oscars After Discovering Batkid Has Stolen Job, Popularity, Girlfriend

Written by TerrorCopter and Frank Miller on Thursday, March 06 2014 and posted in News with Benefits

Andrew Garfield Storms Out of Oscars After Discovering Batkid Has Stolen Job, Popularity, Girlfriend

The actor was upset to learn that a five year old was more of a superhero than he was.

Source: NY Post

Controversy occurred backstage at the Oscars last weekend, resulting in a planned segment involving Amazing Spider-Man actor Andrew Garfield and cancer-surviving Make-a-Wish Foundation star Batkid being cut at the last minute when Garfield threw a tantrum and walked off, according to reports from the New York Post. Garfield's shameful behavior came allegedly out of jealousy after the wimpy actor failed to measure up to Batkid in every way possible, even stealing Garfield's girlfriend, fellow Amazing Spider-Man actress Emma Stone.

"Batkid is just more mature than Andrew," explained Stone. "More sophisticated, you know? I feel like I can really have a conversation with him."

Asked whether she and Batkid might be thinking of tying the knot, Stone played things coy. "We're taking things slow right now. In thirteen years, who knows? Eight years if we move to Ohio."

The last straw allegedly came when Batkid walked into the dress rehearsal with unkempt, messy hair, a style that Garfield had tried and failed for years to perfect. "I'm the guy with messy hair!" Garfield screamed. "That's my thing! You can't take that from me!"

He rushed at Batkid, but Batkid reportedly knocked him out with a well-placed blow to the chin. "One punch!" exclaimed Ted Kord, a business executive who attended the event.

After the public humiliation, Garfield reportedly refused to participate in the planned segment at the Oscars, leaving Batkid and his family high and dry, as Captain America star Chris Evans was called in to replace Garfield as a presenter at the show. Sony is reportedly considering their options from the fallout, which includes radically re-writing the ending of Amazing Spider-Man 2 so that Peter Parker dies instead of Gwen Stacy, and is replaced by Miles Morales, who will be played by either Batkid or Michael B. Jordan.

"We might be able to get away with turning a black character into a white one if he's played by Batkid," an unnamed Sony executive said. "Maybe..."

In an online poll conducted last night, over 80% of respondents said they would find Batkid more believable than Garfield as a superhero, while 99% agreed that Garfield is a complete jackass. 

"Andrew Garfield is a fine actor and a great man, and he could totally kick Batkid’s ass,“ said the remaining 1% of respondents, Andrew Garfield, but we’re pretty sure even he didn’t believe it.

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About the Author - Jude Terror

Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably.  Ironically, our webmaster, whose website skills know no end, has very little understanding of social networks or how they work.  Regardless, you can find him on Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr, but would probably have the most luck just emailing him.


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