A 4.4 magnitude earthquake hit outside of Los Angeles, California, causing millions of residents to wake up to the sounds of rattling light fixtures and loosely secured pots and pans hitting the floor. However, for one man, the damage was far, far greater.
Joshua Michaels, a 33 year old designer, awoke to the sound of several items hitting the floor. Michaels screamed and leaped out of bed, ignoring the confused shouts of his wife and dog, Pumpernickel. When he rushed into his home office, he discovered approximately fifty of his prized superhero action figures on their sides, their perfect poses ruined. About a dozen of those action figures, including a moderately rare Cyborg Superman figure, were on the ground, having been knocked there by the equivalent of 43 metric tons of dynamite exploding underground.
"It was like a war zone," Michaels told the Outhouse after the discovery. "Bodies were strewn everywhere. It was like I had witnessed the aftermath of an angry god." Most of the figures on stands were left unscathed, but a Namor action figure had toppled off its stand and was resting with its face on the chest of a special invisible Invisible Woman figure.
While none of the figures were damaged by the earthquake, at least one had a small scratch from where Pumpernickel had picked it up with its mouth while Michaels was laying on the ground, weeping amongst the fallen figures. As of press time, Michaels had also not located a Green Lantern power battery that had fallen from the grip of his Hal Jordan action figure.
Michaels noted that it would take him weeks to reorganize and re-pose the figures in their original stations, and was especially distraught as the action figures were standing on special "earthquake proof" shelves, which allegedly were designed to resist underground tremors. "I'll be asking for a full refund," Michaels said angrily. "Those shelves simply didn't do their job. If a random act of God could knock so many figures over, just think what a nuclear explosion could do. Or Godzilla." Michaels shuddered and quickly went over to his computer to see if there were any shelves available online that would withstand the destruction wrought by a radioactive monster.
Michaels' wife refused to comment about the earthquake, citing that her husband's toys were his business, not hers. She did, however, angrily refute Michaels' suggestion that they move to a less earthquake prone part of the United States. "Fuck you, Josh," she said. "We moved to LA to get away from your mother. You ever bring up moving back to Ohio again and I'll do a whole lot more than knock over your precious action figures."