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Captain America to Remember Avengers Are Dicks in Original Sin

Written by Jude Terror on Tuesday, March 18 2014 and posted in News with Benefits

Captain America to Remember Avengers Are Dicks in Original Sin

The event might have actual long lasting repercussions for the Marvel Universe, instead of the fake ones Marvel goes on about in their hyperbolic press releases.


Following the teaser yesterday that revealed that Captain America was becoming annoyed with Illuminati karaoke night at the Avengers compound, a new article on reveals more plot details about the Original Sin event:

This May, starting in AVENGERS #29 by Jonathan Hickman and Leinil Francis Yu, Captain America remembers.

“Since the first issue of AVENGERS and the very beginning of NEW AVENGERS, it’s the thing that’s been sitting in the background, the thing you knew would come to a head,” says Hickman. “Captain America remembering. That the Illuminati reformed and kicked him out because he didn’t have his blood up enough. He remembers.”

Following the loss of the reassembled Infinity Gauntlet in a desperate effort to prevent a collision of worlds, Captain America refused to concede to his brethren in the Illuminati. Aware Cap would likely never yield, Tony Stark and Stephen Strange removed him from the equation, tabula rasa in place of the memory.


It's not lost on us that the slogan for Original Sin can also be applied to assholes.


Fans have been waiting for Cap to realize what the Avengers did to him for some time now, as we all know that characters in the Marvel Universe can't commit heinous acts and not end up paying for them later, unless they are Wolverine. But with Original Sin reminding cap that his fellow Avengers can be dicks, the Marvel Universe may end up with more than it bargained for.

"I just wanted Cap to remember that the Illuminati stole his memories," explained Jonathan Hickman. "It would be a neat payoff to the story I set up in the first arc of New Avengers. But Cap is realizing all sorts of things I didn't intend."

We spoke to Captain America for more info:

"What the fuck has been going on around here?" wondered a disoriented Cap after having his memories restored. "Going around, keeping secrets from each other, making decisions that impact the entire universe unilaterally without consulting anyone else involved and then wiping out the memories of our teammates when they speak up about it? That's some supervillain shit right there. We're still the heroes, right?"

Cap took particular issue with Wolverine's prominent status on multiple iterations of the team. "Why is Wolverine an Avenger? That guy is a huge dick, and a Mary Sue, to be honest. Wasn't he running a covert black ops murder squad like six months ago in Marvel time? For fuck's sake!"

Cap explained that he would never allow a reckless killer to join the Avengers, much less to become one of its guiding forces. "Wait, you're telling me that during the Age of Ultron, we told Wolverine not to go back in time and kill Hank Pym, and he did anyway, and then he went back in time and unkilled Hank Pym and killed an alternate version of himself, and we were totally cool with that? No repercussions whatsoever?!"

Cap refused to believe that Susan Richards, the Invisible Woman, went with him and supported the whole thing. "There's no fucking way Sue would agree to that. That's completely out of character!"

But The Avengers have engaged in all sorts of questionable behavior in the last few years. "Did The Avengers invade a sovereign nation, demand that an underage citizen of that nation be handed over into our custody to be imprisoned on the moon for crimes she might commit in the future under the command of a bird-themed cosmic death god?" the befuddled sentinel of liberty asked about events that occurred at the beginning of Avengers vs. X-Men. "That can't be right. That's in violation of the U.S. Constitution and international law. Who sanctioned that?"

When we told Cap that it was his idea, he only became more resolute. "Wow, even I'm a fucking dick when I'm on the Avengers. Wonder Man was right when he said that The Avengers were responsible for everything bad in the world, even if he was himself being a major dick at that time."

Cap shook his head sadly. "Is this really what the Avengers have come to? Is everything in the world so grim and gritty that The Avengers, Earth's Mightiest Heroes, have to be pragmatic, rule-breaking anti-heroes who lie and cheat and manipulate and even kill? What happened to doing the right thing at great personal cost?"

According to our sources, Marvel is working around the clock to put this genie back in the bottle. "We're talking to Mephisto about a One More Day type of scenario," Marvel CCO Joe Quesada told The Outhouse. "It's been a few months since we last rebooted all our titles anyway."

"I'm not making a deal with the devil," Cap insisted.

"If it's good enough for Spider-Man, it's good enough for you," replied Quesada.

"Spider-man made a deal with the devil? Jesus Christ!"

At press time, Captain America was on his way over to the Weapon X facility in Canada to offer his apologies to Scott Summers for the Avengers fascist behavior over the past few years. However, despite his returned memories, Cap was still unable to figure out why the hell he jumped out of the carrier in Fear Itself #3, a plot point which was never referenced again throughout the rest of the event. The Original Sin storyline starts in Avengers #29 in May.


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About the Author - Jude Terror

Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably. A certified trash eater ruining the pristine field of comics journalism with his sarcasm and goofiness, Jude Terror is secretly friendly and congenial, so if you've got a complaint, why not just bring it up to him instead of subtweeting like a jackass, jackass? You can find him on Twitter or try your luck with an email, but keep in mind that he is notoriously unreliable and may not get back to you right away. Unless you want to send him free stuff, in which case he'll get back to you immediately.

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