People all over the internet were absolutely floored on Tuesday when popular comics website Comic Book Resources published an exclusive interview with Cullen Bunn and Brian Churilla, the creative team behind Hellbreak, a new ongoing series from Oni Press. Fans and fellow press agreed that getting the exclusive interview showed that CBR is super cool and important, and that the way the company casually mentioned it repeatedly in the headline and text of the article, being sure to put the word "exclusive" in italics whenever they used it was just the right amount of self-aggrandizement, showing that the website is well aware of its superior status, but is way too sophisticated to make too much of a big deal out of it.
CBR's interview as it appears in Jude Terror's DIGG reader feed. Notice that Bunn and Churilla spoke *exclusively* with CBR. NOTICE IT!
"Exclusive articles really get me hot," said one sexually attractive female reader after seeing the article. She added that the combination of power and prestige inherent in publishing an exclusive interview was probably the primary reason she found the article arousing, but noted that she might not have been as turned on if CBR had only mentioned the fact that the article was exclusive once or twice.
"Ooh yeah, I really liked the fact that CBR made sure to put EXCLUSIVE in all caps in the caption boxes below each exclusive preview Image," she told us in a sultry, breathless whisper.
In case the bright yellow watermark wasn't enough, CBR noted in the captions that their preview images were both EXCLUSIVE and early. Bask in the glory of their magnificent EXCLUSIVITY!
Nubile and attractive young women weren't the only ones who were totally blown away by CBR's article. According to our sources, 85% of people who read the article were more likely than before to consider Comic Book Resources a top destination for comic book news, while more than 95% of journalists said that reading the word exclusive so many times gave them deep feelings of inadequacy from which they may never recover.
"I might as well just hang up my journalism hat now," explained Gus Sterlingham, reporter for the borderline illegal content farm website Comicbooks.net as he removed an actual hat with the word JOURNALISM printed on it in comically large letters. "There's no way I'm ever going to be as awesome as CBR after this."
Other readers of the article admitted to fantasizing about CBR staff writer Alex Dueben, who they almost universally described as "probably tall, in shape but not too muscular, with playfully messy hair and dark eyes that pierce your soul." The readers told us that Dueben should probably win an Eisner for the fine specimen of an interview, if not a Pulitzer. But despite the unquestioning praise Dueben and CBR received for the article, most readers were unable to recall even a single detail about the actual book being discussed.
The article was so fucking exclusive, it only got one comment in the hour since it was posted, as most readers were too stunned to do anything other than gape slack-jawed at the screen after experiencing such a monumentally exclusive event.
"I guess I was just too distracted by how exclusive the article was," explained one reader who was still clearly in a state of shock after experiencing what could only be described as the most exclusive reading experience in the history of written language. "I just kept thinking, man, you can't read this anywhere else but on CBR, you know? The headline is exclusive, the words are exclusive, the pictures are exclusive... I feel like Kanye or something, you know? Just a super important, exclusive dude reading an exclusive article on an exclusive website. A real big shot."
At press time, jealous website TheOuthousers.com had downloaded all of the exclusive images of Hellbreak from CBR's website using advanced computer hacking techniques and were planning to publish them in an article making fun of the website, as if it were possible to simply download exclusive images and post them somewhere else without repercussions. The fools!
If you want to know more about Cullen Bunn and Brian Churilla's Hellbreak, head over to CBR and read the exclusive interview. But ladies, bring an extra pair of panties if you do - they're going to get soaked when you see how exclusive it really is. Men, you're going to have to find a pair of panties, put them on, and then go get an extra pair as well.