As the Outhouse reported earlier today, Nickelodeon Studios released the first trailer of Michael Bay's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles remake. While many older fans of the franchise were expecting a negative reaction to the film, they weren't expecting the devestation that followed. "All my good childhood memories are gone!" screamed 31 year old Kent Robinson, a computer engineer from Atlanta, GA. "Throwing the football with my dad, kissing Jamie Spunkerson at my sixth grade dance, my vacation to Disney World! It's all gone, except for that time that I got beat up by two high schoolers and had my lunch money taken away. I still remember throwing up as they punched my stomach over and over.
Robinson isn't the only one who is feeling the effects of the TMNT. Millions of twenty and thirty somethings across the world are reporting that their pleasant childhood memories have been wiped out and replaced with bad memories as a result of the ninety second trailer featuring Megan Fox. "I used to have a dog named Pancakes," said Christoph Trims, an analyst from New York City. "He was my best friend growing up. But after that TMNT trailer, all I can remember of him was how he smelled of mothballs when we buried him." Trims began to weep into his hands. "I don't even know if his name was actually Pancakes. Maybe it was Waffles or Maple Syrup or Bacon. Or maybe it had nothing to do with breakfast at all!"
CNN is reporting the trailer and its aftermath as the worst tragedy to befall the world since Justin Bieber's fall from grace, and haven't ruled out that it was actually a terrorist attack. While world governments are urging calm, society is already showing signs of collapse. Lego stock plunged 100000000% percent after millions suddenly lost their nostalgia for the Danish toy. Bridges, high rises, and the Grand Canyon have all been shut off to minimize suicides.
Some governments have even tried shutting off Internet access to their countries to minimize the trailer's impact, but the trailer is appearing in movie theatres across the world, released by bitter employees hoping to spread despair throughout the masses. "If I can't feel love, why should anyone else?" said Aleksander Besant, a Russian cinema employee as he projected the TMNT trailer on the side of a high building in Moscow. "This trailer took away my memories of pond hockey. Now I will see the world burn."
Several countries, including the United States, have threatened to invade Nickelodeon's headquarters in New York unless the trailer was pulled and Michael Bay publicly flayed. However, Russia has vowed to protect Russian interests at Nickelodeon and has moved Russian troops into New York City as a preautionary measure.
Scientists are questioning exactly how everyone's childhoods were ruined by a ninety second trailer, but at least one has settled on the trauma's likely cause. "It's a classic case of Generational Mass Overreaction," said Thaddeus T. Puffinbottoms, a professor of the Childhood Nostalgic Studies at DeVry University. "Generation X and Y associate the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with the best of their childhood. Now that this movie has ruined it, their memories have also been ruined by extension. It's simple psychology."
However, not everyone has had their worlds crumble around them. "That's a cool trailer," said ten year old Bobby Manhauser. "I'm really looking forward to the movie."