Archie Press to Kill Off Archie in "Life of Archie" Finale, Outhouse Sets World Record for Most Mentions of Archie in a Single Archieriffic Headline
Every comic book company seems to be jumping on the bandwagon for killing off its big name characters. Archie Comics has announced that it would be killing off its popular lead character, Archie Andrews, in the two part finale of its alternate reality series, Life With Archie. The series, which saw Archie marry both Betty and Veronica in different alternate timelines, will end this summer after dealing with the aftermath of Archie's death in both timelines. Paul Kupperberg, the longtime writer of Life With Archie, will write the two part finale.
"We wanted to show that we're a superior publisher to Marvel and DC in every possible way," explained Archie editor in chief Victor Gorelick in a fictional interview with the Outhouse. "We've already proven that we can handle diversity better, and horror, and series starring female characters. Why not drive the knife a little deeper by showing those superhero obsessed ninnies how a real comic book company handles the death of a beloved American icon?"
While there's no word on how Archie will be killed off, there are rumors that Archie is running a special edible Archie Andrews meat doll promotion that will give fans a chance to eat Archie limb by limb in the same manner as the cannibalistic cult that will be kidnapping him this summer. "Again, any gory retailer promotion Marvel or DC does, we can do better," said Gorelick, tearing off the face off of an Archie Andrews doll made of bacon. "My last name has gore in it, I think I know a thing or two about morbidly awesome retailer promotions."
In related news, the Outhouse was informed this morning that it had set the World Record for most mentions of Archie in the headline of a comic. "Woohoo!" said editor in chief Christian Hoffer. "I knew that we could one up CBR and the other comic websites if we just stretched a bit to squeeze one more natural mention of Archie in the headline." The Outhouse editor raised his hands triumphantly. "Who needs EXCLUSIVES when you have multiple world records?"
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About the Author - ThanosCopter
ThanosCopter is a specially designed helicopter built to transport Thanos the Mad Titan. Built by Sterling Custom Helicopters, ThanosCopter appeared in several Marvel comics, before being abandoned by its owner during the character's ascension into major villainy. ThanosCopter was discovered by the Outhouse and given a second chance at life. He now buzzes merrily around the comic book industry, spreading snark, satire and humor like candy to small children.
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