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Blue Jackets Clinch Playoff Seed, Outhouse Editor Abuses Powers to Celebrate

Written by Christian on Thursday, April 10 2014 and posted in News with Benefits

Blue Jackets Clinch Playoff Seed, Outhouse Editor Abuses Powers to Celebrate

Screw comics, a hockey team from Ohio made the Stanley Cup Playoffs!

Outhouse Editor in Chief Christian Hoffer celebrated tonight after his beloved Columbus Blue Jackets clinched a Stanley Cup Playoff seat by defeating the Dallas Stars 3-1 in Dallas.  "Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!" Hoffer reportedly said as he tossed his cat up and down into the air in celebration.  He then proceeded to passionately kiss his wife before running up and down the stairs in his apartment and knocking on his neighbors' doors to high five them. 

This marks the second time that the Blue Jackets will make the playoffs and totally justifies Hoffer and his wife purchasing two season tickets at the beginning of the season.  "CBJ! CBJ! CBJ! CBJ!" shouted Hoffer as he flailed about on the ground while his wife looked on with an exasperated look on his face.  

Of course, the Blue Jackets have nothing to do with comics, but they do have an amazing goaltender that is often likened to the top police officer on the force, a flaccid penis for a mascot, and a player named Boone Jenner, which is basically the most hockey player name ever.  They're also located in the heart of Ohio, a state ravaged by years of poor sports luck, which makes tonight's playoff clinching all that much more special.  

Hoffer plans on talking exclusively about the Blue Jackets for the next several days and has already ordered the Outhouse's crack photoshoppers to incorporate Boomer, the aforementioned Blue Jackets' penis mascot, into the site's logo and branding.  

"They say, 'Vlad, put penis giving Hitler salute on web banner,'" said Outhouse chief unpaid hockey mascot photoshop intern Vlad Kozinkerov. "So that is what I do."

"Did my grandfather drive back Nazi forces at battle of Stalingrad in country's greatest triumph? Da." Kozinkerov added matter-of-factly. "But is no trouble to make mockery of this with cheap joke celebrating American sports victory. All in a day's work."  Kozinkerov was happy to hear that the Blue Jackets did have a number of Russians on their team, including Sergei Bobrovsky, the Vezina Award winning goaltender  who recently lost a nationally televised international hockey game in a glorified skills competition due to several weird rule quirks found only in international hockey guidelines. 

Everyone is encouraged to root for the Blue Jackets beginning next week when the playoffs begin.  All bandwagon fans will be welcomed aboard, s  Please note that actively talking smack about the Blue Jackets on official Outhouse channels will result in accounts being banned, IP addresses reported to the Anti-Spam Network, and your name and email reported to the FBI for domestic terrorism.  

In summation: go Blue Jackets! 


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About the Author - Christian

Christian is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Christian is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.


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