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Top Six Suspects in Death of The Ultimate Warrior

Top Six Suspects in Death of The Ultimate Warrior

We're gonna get to the bottom of this if it KILLS us! Ooh, poor choice of words.




The wrestling world was shocked on Tuesday when the Ultimate Warrior, a wrestling legend who had just been inducted in the WWE Hall of Fame and appeared on Monday Night Raw this week, passed away suddenly. While TMZ reports that The Warrior collapsed, possibly from a stroke or heart attack, there has been no cause of death, which means there might have been foul play involved. We at The Outhouse [Editor's note: the opinions of Jude Terror do not necessarily represent those of The Outhouse.] feel it's our journalistic responsibility to look into this possibility, and it's with that in mind that we present the Top Five Six Suspects in the Death of the Ultimate Warrior.

 

The Honkey Tonk Man

The Warrior wins his first Intercontinental Championship, and it's all downhill from there for the Honkey Tonk Man.

At Summer Slam in 1988, The Ultimate Warrior defeated The Honkey Tonk Man for his Intercontinental Championship title in a mere twenty-seven seconds. Prior to the defeat, the Honkey Tonk Man, a wrestler whos gimmick was basically that he was Elvis and hit people with guitars, had been the Intercontinental Champion for one year, two months, and twenty-seven days, the longest in history, and a record that still stands today. He would never again reach this height of glory, and in the late 1990s pioneered the "wrestler who talks shit about other wrestlers on the internet" scene. The Honky Tonk man's rantings from his website were frequently reported by the wrestling news sites of the day, and everyone knew he was the guy to go to if you wanted a bitter but honest take on the business. However, it wasn't long before The Warrior came on the internet scene with his own "shoot" website, built around his manifestos about Destrucity, a life philosophy developed by the Warrior and defined in his comic books (more on those later) as:

Destrucity: tri-fold in its definition, therefore meaning... 1. The name of the Galax in WARRIOR wherein the "Terrain of Testament" lies. 2. The Living of one's life in the Way of a Warrior according to a Warrior's 8 Disciplines. Those are as follows: 1) Physical, 2) Beliefs, 3) Moment of Mastery, 4) Attitude, 5) Commitment, 6) Association, 7) Integrity, 8) Wisdom. 3. The creating of a truce between one's Destiny and one's Reality. Promising to stay true to what one is destined to be, yet accepting what is the now... one's reality.

 

The Warrior talks shit to Hulk Hogan and other wrestlers.

The Warrior talks shit to Kevin Nash.

While these are recent videos, rest assured that The Warrior was doing this in written form before videos on the internet became a viable thing. For that, he'll be remembered as a pioneer, sort of like the Rob Liefeld of wrestling, upstaging the Honkey Tonk Man in the internet shittalking arena just as he did in the ring. But even so, The Warrior beat him in twenty-seven seconds. He'd have to be crazy to go for round two.

So maybe it was...

 

Jake the Snake

In 1991, the Ultimate Warrior was set to take on the Undertaker, a supernatural mortician who was impervious to pain, controlled by a magic urn, and had a penchant for locking his opponents inside air-tight caskets. In order to prepare for his battle, the Warrior enlisted the help of Jake the Snake Roberts, a wrestler famous for putting snakes on top of defeated opponents, which was apparently totally legal in the WWF back in the day. Jake was a pretty dark character himself, so he offered to show the Warrior the ways of the Dark Side. This involved a number of humorous segments on WWF's television programs which culminated in Jake leading the Warrior into a locked room where he would open a coffin to find "Lucifer himself." But instead of the devil, it was a fucking cobra, which bit the Warrior. Then Jake revealed he was working with the Undertaker and his ghoulish manager, Paul Bearer, the whole time.

That's pretty brazen attempted murder right there.

However, Jake was inducted into the Hall of Fame this weekend in the same class as the Warrior, and he seemed to be a changed man. Jake spent the better part of the last two decades as a junkie, documented in the movie Beyond the Mat, and admitted at his Hall of Fame induction speech that he had considered taking his own life on numerous occasions (tune into Monday Night Raw each week to see larger than life men and women destroying their lives for your entertainment). But Jake seems to have found peace through a yoga regimen developed by fellow professional wrestler Diamond Dallas Page and is doing much better, so he probably didn't kill the Ultimate Warrior.

Then again... NEVER TRUST A SNAKE! 

 

Homosexuals (As a Group)

As The Warrior's career as a motivational speaker and an internet loose cannon progressed, he began to get public bookings, presumably from people who thought it would be funny to watch him spout the insane nonsense from his website live in front of hipster college students. This led to an appearance at the University of Connecticut where the Warrior told students that "queers" are not as "legitimate" as heterosexuals because "queering doesn't make the world work."

When you read that the Warrior was a "motivational speaker," this is what people are talking about.

Later on his website, The Warrior explained that he didn't mean any harm, and that he was simply referring to the fact that the human race would die out if everyone were gay, which we guess makes it somehow better? So they probably didn't kill him, though with the video evidence, what court would have convicted them?

But what about...

 

Hulk Hogan

Perhaps The Warrior's greatest rival throughout his storied career was Hulk Hogan, the immortal orange goblin who lost his WWF Championship to The Warrior at Wrestlemania VI in 1990. The match took place at the Toronto Sky Dome, making it double insulting, as The Hulkster not only lost his belt, but lost it in Canada. While Hogan is sort of a lovable bufoon nowadays, back in his day he was a shrewd backstage politician, famous for doing whatever it took to stay on top, brother! Could he have waited all these years to get revenge on The Warrior for pinning him in one of the biggest matches of all time?

After passing the torch to the Warrior, Hogan went on to wrestle in the main event of various promotions for twenty years, fueled by sheer political maneuvering.

However, in 1998, The Warrior joined WWF's rival wrestling organization, WCW, where Hogan now reigned as champion. Warrior's gimmick during this run was that he could magically appear in the mirror to taunt Hogan, as well as appear through a trap door in the ring and use magic smoke to incapacitate Hogan's cronies in the New World Order of Wrestling (NWO). It was rumored that Hogan brought Warrior to WCW just so that he could defeat him to regain his "win" from Wrestlemania 6, and as we mentioned, that's exactly the sort of thing 1990s Hogan would have done. And indeed, he did get his win back, in a match at Halloween Havoc that included Hogan attempting to shoot a fireball at Warrior which instead backfired when the flash paper hidden in his glove ignited in Hogan's face instead. This was not planned, by the way. Luckily, Hogan's face was undamaged, probably due to the fireproof chemicals used to paint on his beard. The nineties were a strange time for wrestling.

Hogan regains his win at Halloween Havoc 1998 with the help of Hogan's nephew and NWO B-Team member Horace Hogan, relieving him of any need to seek vengeance on the Warrior.

 

Papa Shango

A powerful Voodoo priest, Papa Shango, feuded with The Warrior in 1992, and he wasn't afraid to use his magical Voodoo powers of waving a plastic skull filled with incense around to give the Warrior stomach cramps. Shango's evil knew no bounds in 1992. His spiritual and intestinal attacks against The Warrior continued for weeks on WWE's TV programming, but he never got to face the Warrior in a match, as Warrior instead challenged The Macho Man Randy Savage for the WWF Championship and then got fired from the WWF because CEO Vince McMahon was under legal scrutiny for rampant steroid abuse in the organization, and, come on, just look at the Warrior.

Thirteen year old Jude Terror was mesmerized by this performance.

Following the disappointing feud, Shango turned to a life of crime, becoming a pimp who attempted to trade sex with his "hoes" in exchange for victories in wrestling matches. However, it's possible that Shango could have regained his magical powers, and, all these years later, finished the job he started back in 1992.

But we think there's one more likely candidate...

Santa Claus

That's right, Ol' Saint Nick. You wouldn't think that Santa Claus would have any motivation to murder a professional wrestler, but you'd be wrong. Dead wrong. Back in the nineties, The Warrior wasn't just a wrestling superstar - he also produced his own comic book. I'm pretty sure there were only ever three issues of it, but I own something like 23 copies, since they could be found for decades after in the twenty-five cent bins of local comic shops and it was well worth picking up a copy any time you saw one for the sheer absurdity of it.

This was a real thing. It now probably sells for hundreds of dollars on ebay.

Anyway, the comic had a special Christmas issue (pictures from here), and while the narrative in Warrior's comics was somewhat difficult to follow, we're pretty sure the plot went something like this: The Warrior visits Santa Claus at the North Pole where he inflicts sadomasochistic bondage on him. Then he steals his clothes and masquerades as Santa for nefarious purposes. You may think I'm making this up, but it's a real thing that happened. Just look.

Does Santa have an outie, or is his belly actually a third, larger manboob?

In this double page spread, we learn that the Warrior may be a eunuch, but somehow he managed to jizz all over Santa's shoulder anway.

Someone's been naughty this year. Or the Warrior just hates black children, and let's face it, it's a possibility, given his motivational speaking career.

How would you like to find that hunk of man meat underneath your Christmas Tree, six year old?

 

So yeah, if anyone has the motivation to kill The Ultimate Warrior, it's definitely Santa. He's also got magical powers that rival Papa Shango's, the ego of Hogan, and it's fucking April - the dude has no plausible alibi.

 

I hope you enjoyed this look at the top five suspects in the death of The Ultimate Warrior. I also hope you recognize this as the loving tribute that it is. The Warrior was a flawed and obviously troubled man, as evidenced by his strange and anti-social behavior, his extreme political views, and that fucking comic. But he was also a beloved wrestling icon, and, more importantly, a caring husband and father who told his two daughters, on the stage at the WWE Hall of Fame induction ceremony, that being their father was his proudest accomplishment. In other words, he was a human being, and an entertaining one, inside and outside the ring, and he was entertaining because he was out of his fucking mind.

And that's how I want to remember him -  as he lived.

What about you? Post your warrior memories in the comments. Include videos if you can.





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About the Author - Jude Terror


Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably.  Ironically, our webmaster, whose website skills know no end, has very little understanding of social networks or how they work.  Regardless, you can find him on Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr, but would probably have the most luck just emailing him.

 


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