Last week's season premiere of Game of Thrones may have set a record for the series with 6.6 million viewers, but at least one of those viewers was unhappy just a week later as he learned that the big shocker on last night's episode, the death of King Joffrey, was spoiled for him fourteen years ago by a friend who read the novel A Storm of Swords, the installment of George R. R. Martin's A Song of Fire and Ice fantasy book series upon which this season is based.
"I was really pissed," said Angus MacStickenbutt, who describes himself as a big fan of the show. "When I saw Joffrey choke to death, I knew instantly that it's what my friend Gary was referring to back in September, 2000, when we were having a cup of coffee at a local cafe and he told me 'I'm so glad that little shit finally got what's coming to him.' I know it was a conversation I was willingly engaged in about a book I wasn't reading, and that it should have been obvious that there might be spoilers in that conversation, but I really think he should have warned me anyway."
MacStickenbutt explained that, at the time, he had no interest in the books, and viewed them as a sort of a frivolous curiosity. He didn't know that, fourteen years later, he'd be four seasons into his favorite show and inadvertently spoiled by offhand remarks made about a book series he never planned to read.
"God, I was so stupid," MacStickenbutt lamented. "But that's no excuse for what Gary did to me."
"He should have realized that the books would one day score an HBO television adaptation, that that adaptation would become extremely popular, and that I would then want to enjoy that adaptation completely spoiler free," MacStickenbutt complained. "I mean, it's common courtesy."
MacStickenbutt expressed plans to frame all future conversations with disclaimers about potential spoilers, no matter how obscure or inane the topic, "just to be sure."
"I'm gonna get started on that right after lunch," he promised. "I'm having... oh, wait! Were you planning on finding out at at any time in the future what I'm going to have for lunch today?"
No, it's alright.
"Ok, good. Well, SPOILER WARNING! I'm gonna have a peanut butter sandwich," he whispered cautiously. "See, now, was that so hard? Gary is such a dick."
Asked whether he had plans to seek revenge on his friend, MacStickenbutt revealed that he already had a plan in motion. "I'm going to wait until he's taking a dump and shoot him through the heart with a crossbow. I remember him talking about something like that happening in one of those books that he... oh, dammit!"
At press time, MacStickenbutt was walking around with his fingers shoved in his ears, loudly singing "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA" in an attempt to avoid future spoilers about anything.